procrastinate ALL the time.

- i am glad you are happy, i feel you could do better. great person to lose a friendship over, granted it was my fault. he's a slime bag though.
- respect that i have a life i am dedicated to and i will not drop what i am doing for you. i am not dating you, never have been, you are not that close of a friend and you want me to drop family/school/work for you? i hate that the only thing you seem to be interested in, about me, is whether or not i have had sex with someone. i believe it's because this way, if i haven't i'm more likely to sleep with you. wrong.
- since you, i have been on a 'men are tool bags and i don't want a relationship with them' streak. thanks asshole. i am mad at you for being a toolbox, but i guess i'm more mad at myself for not seeing it or doing something about it. but hey, good luck in another one of your meaningless relationship.
- you're cute, i'm cute. i'm single, you're (hopefully) single too. ask me out. i won't say no.
- you're a huge inspiration to me, but sometimes i get intimidated because i can't do some of the things you do, and i don't have the focus or determination to do so myself. i am glad we met though, you've been a real mentor to me these past few months. but i meant what i said yesterday, about not really being a part of the family. i am glad i didn't go last night. i am glad you did.
- you are like goodness in a package. i know i should not compare myself, but you're so fucking kind and genuine. if there are women like you in the world, how is a bitter ol' betty like me supposed to meet someone? i'm glad you're a part of the family right now.
- stop being so good to me. you're ruining me for men. and i mean that in the kindest and with the most love possible.
- LIFE IS GOOD. stop seeing all the bad in it, you are worth it and you deserve goodness and happiness. just wish you could accept that.

exam season.

3:00 AM
You lay awake in bed with your eyes wide open. You think about where you're going to go tomorrow, what supplies you need to bring, and if you have enough change for coffee. You toss and turn because tomorrow is Thursday where you work all day, then Friday - another 8 hour shift-, then Saturday morning there is one exam and you will not have time to study Friday night...or Saturday day. You just have to get a certain amount of studying done or else you become behind. What food am I going to eat tomorrow? Do I have food? Does it matter? Do I have gas? I wonder how much money is my bank account. Now it is too hot in my bed, better open the window. I need to shave my legs. Why am I awake? My alarm clock is set for 6 AM.

4:00 AM
I'm still awake. This is not good. Go to sleep. You need to study 6 chapters today.

6:00 AM - Alarm clock goes off.
No. This is not happening. I just fell to sleep.

7:30 AM
Shit. I need to get to work. There's a pile of paperwork waiting for me.

8:00 AM
Okay, I can get the necessary paperwork done. And then I'll be off to study. Where did I say I was going to study again? School? No, too far. Home? Can't concentrate. Starbucks? Yeah, Starbucks. Maybe there will be a cute guy there. No, I can't think about that. I need to focus on the chapters I have to study today. Besides, I am wearing my studying pants, not my go-out-and-get'em pants. Did I brush my teeth...?

11:00 AM
Wicked. I'm ahead of schedule, I got at Starbucks before I expected. But the internet's not working! Now I can't check Facebook, email, grades, tumblr one last time before I study. Great. What the heck Starbucks. Whatever. I'll go get coffee.

"Is that all? It's 1.85....you're five cents short."
"What? Oh. Sorry. I thought that nickel was a quarter."
"Oh no worries m'am. That happens all the time."

Man this coffee tastes like crap. Whatever. I'll live. Oh look! A crossword. Better do that to warm my  brain up to study.

11:20 AM
Sick! The internet is finally working. Let me just check Facebook. AW, THERE IS A PICTURE OF A KITTY! That's so cute, I haven't seen that photo yet. I wonder what Mr. Kitty is doing at home. Something adorable no doubt. I miss Mr. Kitty. No. I need to study. What time is it? Shit, 11:29. Better get cracking.

12:30 PM
Wow, I actually studied for a solid hour. Better take a break. Wait. I did brush my teeth. I did it before I packed my lunch...or did I do it after...How do I not remember brushing my teeth. I'll just go study with Mr. Kitty.

1:00 PM
Ow! Damnit cat, stop biting me. You're such a distraction. Aw, you're purring in my lap. You must love me and my stank breath. You're too cute. Love me forever. Stop swatting my pen, cat. I'm trying to take notes. No! Don't eat my crackers and hummus.

3:00 PM
I'm bored. Hey! There are dishes to wash. I'll just wash a couple to take a break then start studying again. But I could vacuum too. And I think that coffee wore off because I'm sleepy. I'll just take a quick little cat nap.

4:30 PM
Uh oh. That was a little longer than a cat nap. I'm hungry though, I'll have a quick snack then get right back at 'er. And while I'm eating I may as well watch a short 20 minute episode of that TV show I missed last night. Man these cookies and hot chocolate are delicious.

7:00 PM
There's no use studying now, it's too late. I'll be going to bed soon. Man my breath stinks. It was a good call to stay away from public and get all that studying done. I'm the best at making popcorn, just the right amount of salt.

11:00 PM
Shit. I got barely any studying done. I have to do it tomorrow. Tomorrow: NO kitty and NO TV.

3:00 AM
Gotta remember to brush my teeth today...

it's time.

time to let go, time to move on, time for bigger and better things.

these bigger and better things being:

• focussing on my yoga practice, getting deeper and stronger into the postures
• making better connections with friends - that is, not being so selfish, and spending honest time with them
• making new friendships - it's scary, but whatever i'm awesome. why wouldn't people want to be my friend
• meeting new men - who cares about rejection (well, I do, but whatever it's such a fleeting moment that in a day I'm sure I'd be over it), who cares about what they'll think, who cares if they're 'mr. right'. I have a tendency to think like Ted Mosby because I think every relationship is the be all end all. But that's not what I want right meow, I just want someone to spend some short term time with: flirting, being all exciting with, cuddling, going on silly dates. But I only want that when it works for me, that is when I'm not focussed on school or work. So really, what's the likelihood of that happening? Nada. But I can't depend on my social situations to help me with this, I can't depend on my friends. I gotta search them out for myself. If I see Cute Bank Teller, will I be able to ask him out? To see a movie? Who knows. This is all so reassuring when I have motivational music playing in my background, what gets me nervous is when in real time and there is none of that. I'm just left alone with my obsessive thoughts and circular logic. Scary.
• time to start teaching yoga - buck up because that's the next step. I know I'm scared, but that's part of learning. I hate not being perfect, but how else (if not by screwing up multiple times) am I going to learn and grow?

Time to grow up. 

keep your head up.

Turns out, it is not about being alone or having people around. Turns out it is the sharing of energy, the actively working together on a project that I've needed. Yes, I like my time alone and I definitely need it. But I also thrive on being around people, interacting with them and sharing energy with them.

It makes sense because that is why I was so happy over the summer, I was constantly around people that were happy, positive and supportive. Once school started, I started becoming more shut off and tuning people out thinking I needed to become more focussed. While this is true, I still need to spend time with people and working actively with them to feel content.

These past few days I've been spending time with different people and I feel great. On Saturday I went over to a friend's place where they invited one of their own friends, we made pizza from scratch (turned out delicious by the way) and watched a movie that made no sense. On Sunday, I worked on a group project with some positive and hard working peers, then went to practice yoga and had a rocking class with a mentor of mine (though she doesn't know it) right next to me, then had a wonderful friend visit me. I was really happy she did too, getting to share a piece of my little bubble with her. And on Monday I spent more time working on that group project and went to yoga where we had another wonderful class and some birthday cake!

It's not about being in a relationship (though it'd be nice, lesbehonest), but about being able to open up and share genuine, lightheartedness with others. It's great.

I really cannot wait for next semester, I'm ready to get rid of these last few introductory courses off my list and get started with the heavy stuff. I'm ready to start teaching yoga, I'm ready to discover what I can achieve when I set my mind to it.

What was the best thing that happened to me today yesterday? Spending a wonderful evening with some truly special people.

What could I have done better today? Not eat a shit tonne of peanut butter.

What is the most important thing I must accomplish tomorrow? In order of when they will get done: go to yoga, go to the office and finish off the paper work, go to school and then finish the group project, go to class, go home and make some hummus.

What new thing can I try tomorrow? Not new, but I need to start doing it anyway: using the computer strictly for an actual purpose. Not aimlessly going on random sites or watching TV-- I started a new show...it's on its seventh (eighth?) season and I'm almost finished the first. I started it Saturday. In my defense, I miss half the shows and every 3rd one doesn't work. So there.

Who is the most important person (or people) in my life and what am I doing for them? Right now? My group members. And what am I doing for them? Well, procrastinating. Woops. But I will give in my portion of the project and we will do really well on it. 

have you seen my ghost?

One Week was the one and only movie that we had watched together that I truly enjoyed. I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but it's absolutely amazing. And it made me fall in love with Wintersleep's Weighty Ghost: it's such a great song.

Today is the day of my Bikram 30 Day Challenge and I've already missed a day, woops! But that's okay, I'll be able to do doubles, and I'm not stressed that my 60 Day Challenge isn't going as well as anticipated, and I'm not really using my Moksha membership, but that is okay. Hear that self: it's okay! I need to make that my mantra for a while. But between school, and working and trying to do yoga I'll have little time for anything else. I definitely need to call that other studio and tell them I'm unable to work there. The money would be great, but I'll have to manage with what I'm making right now.

My 60 Day Challenge is about grounding myself, is about becoming patient and compassionate and open. I've been very closed off and selfish lately. My 60 Day Challenge is to allow me to grow out of these bitter pants I've been wearing for far too long and be able to listen to others and support them and not be selfish and maybe learn proper grammar because this sentence is far too long but I find it funny.

My 30 Day Challenge is about strength and determination. It's about my ability to push my way through all 26+2 postures, about digging deep and doing every posture with grace and dignity even if I can't do it properly. It's about being honest with myself about the work I need to do to ensure my safety. I will do this.

In review of yesterday:

• What was the best thing that happened to me today? The little girl I babysit was being super cute and allowing me to bathe her, showing off her swimming skills by kickkickkicking in the bathtub ("kick! kick! kick!") and showing me how to blow bubbles ("bubbers!"). She then washed my feet and was fascinated over this, and then when I was reading her a bedtime story she was being especially cute and warm but cuddling up to me. She's never done this and in fact has been quite difficult with me, but I really enjoyed this moment with her.
• What could I have done better today? Kept my negativity to myself and even if I could not have been positive, been quiet.
• What is the most important thing I must accomplish tomorrow? Call the other studio and let them know I will be able to work but I truly am thankful for their time and help.
• What new thing can I try tomorrow? Going to the gym and taking care of my health in a non-yoga way. Haha, not new, but I need to get over my 'stage-fright' at this has been what's holding me back lately.
• Who is the most important person (or people) in my life and what am I doing for them? My friends - and I'm doing nothing, sad hey? But I will be more receptive to their problems, not to self focussed, and keep my problems to a minimum because big picture: my problems are not problems. They deserve the same love and support as they give me; though they may need it in a different way than I do.

ps. remember what your brosef said, "Why do you think I want to live on a farm and be self sufficient as possible? To not have to deal with stupid shitty people. But then I wouldn't have met the awesome people I know. Like, truly awesome, not fake." Not everyone sucks, there are awesome people out there. I need to keep my mind and heart open, and allow changes to take place. My old friendships will be there, but they may not serve you all the time. And I need to allow the natural ebb and flow to happen not try and keep it status quo. Deal? Deal. Edit: I love how as soon as I closed this post, went to FB and saw a post that totally made my heart sink. Stop being so narcissistic and let it go. People have lives and friends outside of you, the best thing you can do for yourself is to not hold on to anything. 

imma be positive if it kills me.

I need to not be so prickly and negative. I will start working towards this by not swearing as much, not being such an angry driver (hahaha, but seriously, I'll work on this), actually being grateful for the things I do have and not resentful for the things I don't have. I will also try and reflect on these 5 questions on a more regular basis (these questions are answers for yesterday, as today has barely even started):

• What was the best thing that happened to me today? I was able to do 2 back-to-back Bikram classes  and they were strong classes.
• What could I have done better today? Accomplished more (study, make those bracelets, finish my knitting, cook the squash). 
• What is the most important thing I must accomplish tomorrow? Grocery shopping -- I need to nourish with wholesome, nutritive foods so I can feel good again.
• What new thing can I try tomorrow? Dressing up for work -- look good, feel good.
• Who is the most important person (or people) in my life and what am I doing for them? Well, ME, and I'm taking care of my well-being (nurturing my mind, body and spirit). And right now, I'm on a mom kick. She is super important to me, obviously. I need to help her out more to show that I appreciate her and not just taking advantage. This could be by drying the dishes, putting them away, taking out garbage/recycling -- the little things she does to make the house function. Maybe I'll make dinner, but no really. Everyone would complain, "What is this nasty vegetarian stuff?" 

One question that has been bugging me (as of yesterday...) is: am I going to regret what I'm doing now? That is, am I working too damn much and not doing enough, not going out and having enough "experiences"? Am I missing out on life...? But that also begs the question, what do I want from life, what are my goals and values in life? 

Namaste motherfucker.

(ps: I'm aware I said no more swearing, but this is gold.)

all you think of lately is getting underneath me.

I've class 6 into my 60 day challenge, I was hoping for a second one today but my legs are exhausted and I hope that by giving them today as a rest they'll be stronger tomorrow. I set myself up for a 60 day challenge, not necessarily for the weight loss (though I'm hoping that is a by product of this), but because I'm hoping to reap the mental rewards. That is, calmness, clarity and kindness. I have not been any of those things recently, I have such a bitch, unsupportive and unloving to the people around me. And if I continue to act this way, I will really be alone. If I want people to out reach to me, and want to spend time with me, I can't be this miserable old bitty that I have been, I can't constantly complain. I hate when people can't see the joy and hope in life, and that's what I've been doing: miserable, sad, self-pitying -- really it's been quite pathetic. So, my 60 day challenge is a self proclaimed journey to kindness and openness.

I struggle it seems, to accept that I'm not as special as I seem to think. In class, I find I want to be called out for doing such an exceptional job, but that's so incredibly weak, I shouldn't need that reinforcement. With my friends, I struggle with accepting that never in ten thousand million years will I ever be a priority for them -- and why should I be, I'm just a friend and that's all, not a life partner or family. So what is it in me that expects more from them? I need to let go of that expectation. Why can't I let go out of stupidstupidstupid boy? I came upon this realization in a dream last night, I truly was a convenience to him, I was someone who liked him and that's why he liked me. I truly feel there was no unique trait about me that he liked, that's why his comment (that I heard through the grapevine) of, "always being stuck in the friend zone" bothered me. It came across to me that he was just trying to get to know any girl that would give him the light of day, and would get pissed off when they were not interested. But hey, he has a girlfriend now.

I'm finding I'm unwilling to let go of any control I may have, I feel I've gotten really...prickly on the outside. Prickly meaning, I'm super defensive and closed and have this feeling of entitlement. It's sad, I think, given that all I was is to be someone special to someone else, and I can't do that because I'm closed and feel I 'deserve' certain things. I can't even elaborate on these "things" because I don't even know.

There's two men that if I see them again I'd love to ask one of them out and start a conversation with the other. But hey! I can't, because shouldn't the guy do that? But...shouldn't I also just go after what I want? I'm so confused with how to act. Conflicting advice coming at me left, right and centre. Maybe I'm just not ready, but who ever is ready?! I think of my close friends, and how they're in admirable long term relationships and I get really upset because I imagine talking to them about this and the strings of advice I get are, "You have plenty of time" and "It'll happen when the time is right!". And then I get jealous, why was the "time right" for them and not me? And then I get sad, none of this will matter to them because at the end of the day they have their own person. And I sit here day in day out alone, not that it's particularly bad. I enjoy my company (possibly too much), I'm busy with school and work both where I get to interact with a wide variety of amazing people. But I don't have that person...someone...to call up and be all, "HEY LET'S GO GET DRINKS!" or "LET'S GO WATCH A MOVIE!" or even, "LET'S GO TO THE DOLLAR STORE AND MAKE ARTS AND CRAFTS".

It really puts a damper on things when a certain friends tries time and time again to invite me out with her group of friends but I don't because "I'm really tired". I rarely see her, but we have been friends for so incredibly long and I'm grateful for it. But this 'hermit under a rock' routine has to stop, but then I get worn down. Where is that middle ground of getting what I need to done, and getting what I want out of life?

I'm 22 and I'm still moping around going on and on incessantly about "oh i'm not special". And then people say I'm mature, as if. To sum up: I'm sad, and maybe a little resentful, that I'm not, nor have been, in a meaningful relationship.

And before you say, "you need to stop focussing on this and just focus on work/school, someone will come up" and I have to slap you. Let me say that these feelings don't come up until I'm done work, until I'm done my school work, until I've done yoga and all the things I do 'for me'. These feelings come up when I have some down time and would love company or another person's energy, and don't. Stop telling me what I have to do, or not do, to find someone. Stop telling me that I've got all these problems because I'm so thoughtful and aware of being alone while you have someone. Stop telling me that I'm alone because of x,y,z and if I find a solution to these issues someone will magically appear. I don't even know what I want to hear, I don't know what actions or words will help. Thankfully, I have a family dinner tonight so at least I have company. Thankfully, they're stuck with me no matter what. Thankfully, I have myself, my healthy body and my ability to care.

my lovely new buddha and my 2013 agenda.

anger breeds hate.

Recipe for lonliness:

1 cup sadness
1/2 cup complaints
3 tbsp self deprecation
1/4 tsp self entitlement

Mix all ingredients together in a big bowl, and set them aside for 22 years in a tightly wrapped bowl. Unwrap, and enjoy.

Dear self,

If you don't stop being a miserable old bitty, you're going to end up alone. Smarten up.


ps, don't add onions to your salad anymore, the tastes do not mesh well.

pain is inevitable...

 Suffering is optional. Is what I'm thinking as I sip on my gnarly celery-spinach-berry-rice/hemp protein-smoothie. It wouldn't be bad if the celery wasn't in there, but the more I drink the more it grows on me; it's not sweet in the slightest and I know I'm putting good things into my body. In contrast to lunch where it was a carbohydrate-sugar-saturated-fat-overload...but who cares.

 There are times like right now, where I feel I'm not enough...I'm not doing enough, I'm not amounting to much. I as a person, am just not enough. I know where it all stems from too, and I hate that he is unaware what kind of toll it does take on me. I love him to bits, but there have been a few too many comments lately (3/4 of them were said today) that have left me feeling upset with who I am, what I'm doing and my personal future.

Comment #1:
I was finally home for dinner last Friday, first time in quite some time, alone with my parents. We were simply catching up, talking about everything and the subject of relationships come up. Using some examples close to home, I mentioned, "how I hate when girls fall apart for their guy...forget who they are and simply follow the guy around like a puppy dog". Yes, I'm guilty of this. Does not mean I like it. And I can't remember what else I said (I know for sure I said something) but the conversation ended, as I had to leave and get ready for a party, with my dad jokingly stating, "Guess I won't have to worry about making wine for your wedding with that attitude". I laughed at it too, being somewhat proud of that at the time (proud that I won't let a guy tell me what to do). But mix that with my sad feelings when my family gets together, and you get me as I am right now: feeling like a spinster. Spinster, you say? But I'm so young, I have so much time. Well big deal. I absolutely hate, hate hate HATE when people tell me this. I always want to stand up and walk away (maybe I'll start doing that). What makes me sad about all this, is when my family gets together it's sweet: my parents, my brothers and their girlfriends; girls who have become quite comfortable with my family and it's lovely, they fit right in. And then there's me, the odd man out. Even with all my friends, I'm the odd man out. Most times it doesn't bother me, but lately I've been feeling very much turned off from spending time with my friends due to this. Well, this and some other reasons: having a part of who I am outright rejected, busy with school and busy with work.

Comment #2:
"You're too skinny." Well dad, I've actually gained some weight, "I didn't want to say anything, but I thought so." Then, when I went for another piece of cake today (comment #3), "You know that's fattening right?" -- saying this to piss me off, get a rise out of me and to be a jerk. 'Does it look like I care?' Looks at my stomach and says, "Yes!". I am still way too emotional about this one, so I'll leave my thought process until later. I need to sort it out myself.

Comment #4:
We were all having a general discussion about hobbies and how my younger of two brothers has been picking up my dads hobbies and I say, to my dad obviously, "You know, you bugged us when we were younger to take up your hobbies: wine making, salami making, gardening, all those traditions. And now we are." Makes some comments that he's noticed too and he hasn't been saying much any more. Then looks back at me, "Except for you." What do you mean dad? (I already felt bad because I figured he was making yet another dig at me for never being home, not 'being a part of the family'), "You know, washing the dishes, cleaning the house, making dinner." I know once again, he was being the typical pot-stirring jerk he is, but man that pissed me off. Is that all I am to you? A food-making-baby-popping-machine that is failing because I'm not in a serious relationship? (Yes). I said it before, but now my argument is taking a different tone. I once stated that he'll never be able to respect my achievements (outside of the home) if I have a family because to him family should take first priority and if I'm not taking care of them I'm failing, so non-domestic achievements will mean nothing to him. Well now, that train of thought has changed: he'll never be able to respect me if I don't have a family. I have wasted my potential as a human if I don't procreate (given his ideology, I feel this one would be hard to refute on his end).

What a pleasant, uplifting, supportive thought. I need to go and digest this some more.

ps, I think halloween is one of my most disliked 'holidays'.

Getting past the sting of that last comment of my father's, it makes me wonder what my purpose is then. What, if I'm not going to procreate, is my reason for living? I must have a purpose if I'm alive. I have an inkling as to what it is, but it's rather intimidating and full of work and I'm not sure I'm ready to step up or accept it.

patience.

I feel as if I'm waiting for a cat to come around, warm up to me and realize that I'm not so bad. But it's not me I want them to realize isn't so bad, it's the yoga. I held off on suggesting yoga to him, but it seems as though he's coming around; slowly. I need to be calm and patient and not make any sudden moves because that would only scare him off. Though funny thing, ironic even, on one of our last dates he mentioned, "Oh I hate such and such person, they're a fair weathered friend". And I asked what that meant and he explained that it is someone who "only comes around when they need something". I commented, "Sounds like someone I know", clearly making a pass at him.

Safe to say he was not pleased. But low and behold, what I said is true: contacting me when he needs some support or just to rant or just to waste time on the bus. I don't have a problem with this, as long as I can keep a boundary there and as long as it serves a purpose this time. If I can help him find yoga, help him start his healing process, then I will be patient through all of this. I make it sound like I am some great messiah or something, but to be honest I believe that was my purpose in that whole debacle. (Live update: they have sent me another friend request and unfortunately I feel my self esteem shooting through the roof; this is not kosher.) I learned some lessons all throughout that period of time he was actively in my life, most of them afterwards though but at the end of the day, I really don't hate him and I want to help him in the way that I can; that is to say, through yoga. 

"the greatest prayer is patience." -- buddha

i am an emotional lesbian.

That is the conclusion I have come to after realizing I cannot converse with men about how I'm feeling, what's bothering me, what I aspire to be or any of those things. This has been particularly brought to me attention after meeting someone online, we began to text and set up a date to meet. I, in typical me style, cancelled. Not that it was an indication that we don't get along, that he's a terrible person or any of that. No, it was because I don't care to date, or to get to know someone or to find someone. I just want to talk, to be heard and have someone listen to all the fascinating and hilarious things I have to say -- that's it. And I have found I feel most comfortable doing that with females: they listen better, respond better and can empathize. Leading me to my conclusion that I am an emotional lesbian. It makes sense when you start to think about it. It's not even that I make more of an effort with females, or less of one with men, I'm just inherently more comfortable talking to women about my emotions and feelings.

Now going on the train of thought of what I want in terms of a relationship. I don't need or want someone to be constantly there to bring me whatever I may ask for (he should do it without me having to ask, kidding!). No, I've been in that relationship where I became the center of their universe. I don't believe I want someone who is clingy, texts me non stop, talks about their feelings to me ad nauseum. I want someone strong, silent and stoic. Okay, that may be a touch of an exaggeration however, I don't need someone who is goopy and mushy with their feelings -- I do enough of that for 5 people. I also don't want to do that dance of getting to know someone, I want to meet someone and instantly know everything about them and not have to do a dance or play mind games. I don't want someone to tell me "they like me" after only texting me and seeing a side that is not necessarily forced, but not indicative of my true self. I've found men are either super emotive and clingy, or too standoffish and cold. Why can't they be more balanced like yours truly? (That's a joke). Suffice to say, I probably will not ever go meet this person. My friends offer me the emotional support I need so I do not need a partner at the moment, all I want from a guy at the moment is harmless flirting.

rainy day, rainy mind.

i am nothing.
i am a liar.
i am a hypocrite.
i am two faced.
i am undeserving.
i am mean and judgmental.
i am cold.

this among other reasons is why i feel i will be on this lifelong journey...or lifelong lesson you could say. a lesson of learning peace and true compassion. not one that is fleeting or conditional. i need to turn my gaze inward, focus on healing myself instead of passing judgement onto others. for this reason alone (the reason being: my passing judgement on others) i am very undeserving. undeserving of kindness, empathy, and compassion from others. i need to be able to give it to others (and to myself) before i can expect it from others. i need to stop looking for validation from others, looking for acceptance, or approval. in the end, i need to live with who i am as a person. not them.

one step towards this, is to stop looking at facebook which i believe to be a very deceiving facet. people drive me nuts by posting things that are clearly attention seeking, posts which are clearly looking for validation. a quote i often come back to when i start passing judgment,

"If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us. ~Herman Hesse"

this reminds me that if i start to hate on a person for 'bragging' or saying something that is evident to their 'seeking validation', i need to take a step back and reflect. i need to ask myself, 'am i guilty of this myself?' more often than i like to admit, yes. i am. for this reason, i need to work on two things (among everything else i am working on): a. stop seeking validation from others; i do not need to explain or complain about how busy i am just to get their validation of "oh wow, she's busy, she's productive, she's successful". no, i do not need that if i have a strong sense of self that i can give myself that validation. b. i need to start listening more and let others rely on me. not me relying on them. if that means i stop talking as much, so be it. i have other outlets.

ps: i am still upset and hurt by him. i do not know how to deal.

thanksgiving.

This is going to be an ongoing post. It's only 1:26 PM and I'm nicely buzzed.

It's now 5:00 PM. And I'm back on POF, found some nice guys I'm talking to. And I've started looking and A Softer World again and not at my textbook like I should be: http://www.asofterworld.com/clean/ferry.jpg.

Amazing.

I think what I've been feeling is I need my personal space to move out. The three concerns I have is financially if I can afford it, the fact that the suite I'd be moving in to has no stove (cannot remember about the refrigerator)  and that I feel like I'm just copying my brother. Not sure how the other intended this, but given how I interpret this it how I feel: http://www.asofterworld.com/clean/sunspot.jpg

Even though he was a complete asshole to me the other day. FWB Guy is talking to me again, too. And, JB. Why is it always at once? I feel there is a lesson to be learned here, but I'm not quite sure what it is. I want food.

Busy Phillips is a goddess. That is all.

I need to seriously get my shit together...

TGIF.

Not.

I'm starting to get worn out. I feel absolutely exhausted. Just gotta pull up my socks and stay focussed I guess. This is when it would be mighty nice to have someone there to give me that extra little push and support. No self pity though, that doesn't get me any where. Only seven more days and I'm in the clear.

ohhai new friends.

So on Saturday I had my 'shit can't get any worse' night. I slipped into old, negative habits and just wrapped myself up in self pity, self loathing and judgement. I knew I needed to bathe in that for a while, because Sunday I woke up feeling better - I know that it does not make sense, but it's how I work, okay?! Good.

To start getting my two feet back on the ground and cheering myself up, I decided to do a water cleanse/water fast (more a mental thing as I know not eating is unhealthy). Also, my stomach was not feeling that well so I opted for cool delicious water. Plus this cool 'nu green' concentrate from I picked up from the store which gave me the energy boost that I needed while also giving me a whole whack of nutrients and minerals; all the good stuff.

you can taste the greens in it, but with a sweet tang so it goes down easy. 

I also picked up some protein powder, I feel a part of the reason I've been eating just so darn crappy is because I don't have time to make food and have been needing something just to throw in the blender (or mix with water) and I'd get a blast of energies and stuff. I've tried Vega products before, and I love them as their dairy, gluten and soy free with no added sugar. I tried it in a protein smoothie just last night, and it was phenomenal. I'm now hooked.

delicious vega berry blast.

 I feel like I'm doing product placement. But after every yogi I know seems to rant and rave about Komboocha I decided to try it. Now, with this silly little bottle I opened it in the car not realizing Komboocha is fizzy; I had been shaking it, turning it upside down reading the sides all in the store so I was amazed that when I opened it the drink went EVERY WHERE. That's not even the worst part, because there is sediment on the bottom, I kept shaking it so I'd be able to drink the sediment (waste not, right?). All this while I was driving, but I kept laughing at how ridiculous I am. Sometimes I just don't think things through. The weirdest part though, was that I legitimately felt buzzed after drinking this -- I was at work, so that's not really cool... I did some research and because it is a fermented drink there is some alcohol content (though below 0.5% as per government regulations to be labelled as non-alcoholic). But there has been much debate about the alcohol content in Komboocha. Unfortunately, I didn't find any recent studies. So, basically, it's delicious and fizzy and helps with digestion and makes your tummy feel better. I won't be buying it in big batches as it's super expensive ($4.50 a pop).

MMM, KOMBOOCHA!

I feel a little guilty for spending so much money (by a little guilty I mean a lot), but trying not to focus too much on that as I know in October I won't be spending that much money (at least I hope not). But buying these things has made me feel better in the sense that at least I know my diet will be taken care of, I still need to eat a tonne more vegetables, but so far so good.

I've started my regular practice again, which is helping me out a lot. I'm still working on being able to meditate the whole class, as in no thoughts what so ever, but I'm getting there. A couple times now there have been teachers trying to talk to me during class and I don't know how to answer and can't because to me the room is not a place for speaking, it's a time of reflection and peace. But I'm getting there. I'm worried about this weekend when I will be trying for the second time this teacher training to teach hatha yoga, so that includes two weekends (Friday, Saturday, Sunday) of training, then a practicum (8 hours) then getting evaluated. All that before the 31st of October. Fun, right? It's not just the time frame that gets me, it's that I don't know how good of a teacher I'll be. I don't know that I'll be able to teach something I don't know myself. I guess that will be part of the learning process. After that, I think I'm going to try and do this 200 hour teacher training for power yoga or maybe another type. At any rate, MORE YOGA.

In terms of general health, I need to start other activities because as much as I love yoga I need to be challenged in a different way. Exploring time!

In all, I'm back on my happy little path with the help and support of some amazing friends of mine, and I hope I can return to them the same love and support. 

Okay, I guess it's time to start memorizing glycolysis.

"Can we be like the lotus? Can we swallow the pain and confusion of life, and thrive on it, and use it to become one of those rare jewels of the world -- a truly compassionate person?" -- buddhism metaphor

compassion.

time to start having some for myself.

take a step back.

Looking back, I can only comment on how ridiculously dramatic I am. I definitely do not want him specifically, I just want company. I spend the majority of my day by myself, in silence and some days I just want some company to relax with. While he may be able to be some general company to be with, our fates are not somehow intertwined, as I so like to think. I need to turn my focus back in on myself and realize I have so much to occupy myself with: school (lots of studying to get done), health (I need to start preparing better meals, going back to yoga regularly; taking care of my physical body and my emotional state), and I now have a new intention. In the next few weeks things will be changing, I have a goal of becoming a yoga teacher, I want to challenge myself academically, and now I need to think of my possible medical school after graduating. Best part? It would be naturopathic medicine. I will have to think on this because it will be a big commitment, I need to research more about careers afterwards, I need to go talk to other ND's that I know (to get their input, to see if I can do some volunteer work any where) and I will need to think of where: in Toronto or here in Vancouver.

I have also noticed that I have not been very compassionate of others. Well, compassionate and trusting. I need to work on that. But what I really need to realize and accept in the fullest (instead of saying I do) is that a relationship takes work; if someone is in a relationship it's going to take up their time no matter what. I need to respect that and back off. So what, if I want that opportunity of that with someone? So what, if I don't have it now? Doesn't mean I have to demean others' relations. What I'm trying to tell myself, don't get so jealous you insecure person.

So. It seems what I need to do is simply: breathe and focus.

i am a heart that's hard to pin.

I wish I was hard to pin; unfortunately I'm not. I'll give you three guesses who is back in my life and the first two don't count. I'll also give you one guess to find out how I'm feeling about him? 

Yes it's him. Yes I want him back. What I think is weirder, is I want him to want me back even more. I was told this is normal, though I don't think it is. I think me wanting him back is more normal than the latter desire.  To be fair, I'm not sure if it's specifically him or if I'm just enjoying the attention. If, because I want the chance to practice my skills of being open and communication, I want a chance with someone I'm already comfortable with, have a rapport with over someone I have to start anew with. 

I keep telling myself that nothing has changed, I'm still not going to be special to him, the only reason why he liked me in the first place was because I liked him and there was no unique quality about me that attracted him to me, that he's probably seeing another girl -- pulling the same moves on her as he did me, that he is only using me for a confidence boost, and he didn't treat me as well as he should have. More importantly, I'm reminding myself of all the hurtful things that happened over the course of "dating" that bothered me. Through the grapevine I was made aware of a comment he made. This comment pretty clearly indicates he's been trying to see other girls (as if "us" ending did not affect him in any way) and again demonstrates that I was not special. I am still not special. I tell myself that I am a back up.

It's not working.

I cannot quite figure out what is drawing me back. Do I want to feel like shit about myself? Doubt my every ability and genuine character (as I often did with him)? Do I want the drama? Am I just as needy as him? (Yes). 

Forgetting what everyone and my brother said about him ("he's a dick"), I liked him for a reason. He puts on a show, but deep down he has a truly good heart, he is such a hard and dedicated worker, and I do naively pathetically stupidly honestly believe that if anything does happen it will be better. I am aware of my weaknesses (I'm closed off, independent and am afraid of being vulnerable) and because I want to work on them I will at least try being more open, asking for help -- even accepting help when offered -- and allowing myself to be vulnerable; that is: no walls, no twisting words being straightforward and honest.

Do I wait? Do I act? Do I forget?

I feel lost (not pertaining solely to this, other aspects of life as well). I don't feel grounded.

Is what I'm feeling justified? Am I being a hopeless romantic about this all? (Yes). Does this at all make a difference to emotions? (No). With no rhyme or reason to back it up, I want him.

"This is what makes us girls
We all look for heaven and we put our love first
Somethin' that we'd die for, it's our curse." 

-- This Is What Makes Us Girls, Lana Del Ray

NEWSFLASH: I just want attention. And unfortunately he is slightly providing me that. I just need to reel my thoughts in.

confusion!

I often get overwhelmed with how I'm supposed to be living my life. I always want to do it the "right" way or the "best" way. But people offer me so many different examples of what those ways are, I get so confused!

What the best thing for me to do right now is (I believe): take a step back and listen to myself.

For all my health concerns, I need to just go with my instincts. I underestimate my knowledge, I know what foods to eat and when, how much of things and access to different recipes if I want to try them.

For all my Bikram yoga concerns: I must go to a variety of teachers classes, and find a balance of that spiritual energy and the physical exertion. I tend to find I can on all extremes: focusing too much on getting the posture looking picture perfect or forgetting a pivotal movement because I'm not being in tune with my body. I can rely on teachers to help me with this, but ultimately it is up to me to find that balance within myself.

For my general yoga concerns: I need to get out there and practice! Everyone is a beginner at some point, I shouldn't feel embarrassed to try these new things.

When it comes to money: just be smart! I know what is a good expense versus a silly, needless one. So go with it.

I'm also worried about the fall, I realize there's only so much in control so if I stay organized and on top of what I *can* control, I should be okay.

I think at the end of all this, I need to trust myself. Which seems to be a common theme in my life. I am constantly looking at others to see what brings them happiness, or what they're doing to be successful. But I can't keep doing that, they're not me! What brings them joy will not be (and sure as heck IS NOT) the same as what brings me joy. So, if I set out a goal for myself to try something new, or get out of bed and meditate, I need to do that. Just because a friend or family member doesn't do so, doesn't mean I should blindly follow them.

Some goals I have for myself are:
- money (obviously): essentially, just save as much as I can, don't over spend.
- health: I want to will try different forms of yoga (I don't need to buy unlimited passes, I can get drop in cards too which I often forget), different group exercises (aqua fit, SNFW classes), I have access to some wicked 30 Day challenges (non yoga ones!), I can generate some work out schemes for me (I should keep on top of rotating them though -- I get afraid though: what if I'm not doing it right?!!?) and if I make these little changes (I don't need to go to an extreme of working out 5+ hours a day) I know my body will appreciate it and get stronger and happier.
- yoga teacher: I need to sign up for this, pay for it and be confident than I am able to teach it. I get nervous when I think of it because I don't feel I will be a good teacher. However, it takes practice to get there. I won't be able to do it all on my own, so yes! It' O-KAY to ask for help (I don't like doing it, but I will have to get used to it).
- school: good grades (how vague!)

Just reflecting on all past posts and my general trains of thought, I feel I need to start and complete these actions, be confident and meditate. I need to realize my life is just that: MINE. Not his or hers or theirs, so I need to not compare and not beat myself up because they're doing things that I'm not. Because I know that when I set my mind to something, I can and do achieve it.

free write!

So I often get (well, I'm sure a lot of people do) caught up in being concise and clear in trying to convey my thoughts and ideas to people. But right now, I think I just need to let it all out. Here is my free write, my thoughts and feelings as they are; no back stories, explanations, trying to have the whole picture -- nothing.

I've been working on being compassionate, towards myself (especially myself) and to others. Reading How Yoga Works one passage really struck me, and it was the meditating/giving and taking part. You sit and breathe, thinking of one person and trying to rid them of all their pain and struggles and worries by simply taking it all on yourself. I think that is an extraordinary thing to want to achieve: taking all of someones pain onto you? How selfless.

How selfish of me, however, to want to do that for myself. I want to take away my pain (however petty and unwarranted as it may be), let go of my struggles and be more rational about my worries. It's weird, I try to be my everything. I know, I know, I sound crazy. But, while yes I have friends (and wonderful, loving and supportive friends at that), I don't have that one interpersonal connection with any one (yet) that is strictly mine. I'm selfish, but I want that. I want someone who is willing to be as open with me as I would strive to be with them. I was told in my most recent break up (which happened 2 months ago, and I'm still not 100% over it, which annoys me as it wasn't even that long of a relationship, I was miserable in it. I find myself still thinking about him though in both a good and bad light. Why can't he just go away!? What is it about him that I feel I am lacking!?) that I didn't involve him in my life, and I never opened up to him. And he's totally right. So now, I'm worried that I won't be able to do that with any potential partner. It's easier for me to keep my life compartmentalized.

It feels though, that whenever I find myself so incredibly lonely, I always go back to my two close friends who accept me for who I am, and offer me that companionship I so desperately want. We enjoy one anothers' company at such a basic and fundamental level that we can just sit there in silence, and still have a legitimately good time. They give me everything I could need in someone (I joke that they together are my stand in boyfriend) falling short of any physical intimacy -- because let's face it, that would be a touch awkward. I am so completely comfortable around them it's ridiculous. And I want to find that with someone.

I've been feeling a little, okay a lot, lost lately. I've lost my footing (it could very well be I'm just on my period and the hormone levels are making me feel this way) and I'm not sure why.

 I'm looking forward to the fall where I'll be immersed in all things Tania: 4 courses in school (Kin 201 [attempt #2, I will do a LOT better this time around though that is my promise to myself; I'm hoping I can do the group project by myself so I can just do yoga stuff and not feel bad about telling others what to do], Kin 205 [that I need to get the textbook from a friend, and I will do amazing in the class another promise to myself], MBB 321 [seems like it will be interesting, a lot of work but I will again do this!] and Kin 111 [which is distance education, so it will be new to me. Even though this may not count towards anything, once this semester is over I will apply for the Applied Human Nutrition certificate because it may be cancelled soon; SCARY! But that means I will be out of school a little sooner I believe]), 2 part time jobs (so I can save money), my regular yoga practice and general exercise, a hatha yoga teacher training course (2 weekends, $450), I HOPE a research assistant jobs (it would be 3 weeks, good pay and really great/interesting experience). I could probably apply for the Go Girls! program, but I'm not 100% committed, maybe in the spring.

I have a party tonight, I'm hoping to get drunk and just forget everything for a bit. But I'm not sure how lit I can let myself go.

I don't know why I worry so much about everything. Somethings just take care of themselves, I get that. But sometimes I just get into this big never ending cycle of thoughts. I know at that point I need to write things down. And when I do it's always the same things, it's not until I sit down and acknowledge, "Okay. I know these three things I need to work on. And I have the ways to do so. I now need to calm down and realize it's a matter of time. It's not going to happen right away". It's hard to actually internalize all this. A lot of the time I find it's an external, "Okay yeah, I need to work on this" but I continue to fret over it. I need to work on that.

I guess I just don't believe in myself. Even with this yoga teacher training. Can I do it? Why do I feel I can't? Because I don't know enough? I don't trust my teaching abilities? Because last time they made fun of Bikram's Yoga even though it's the only one I've done? Ever? Who knows. But I need to realize, that I can do it. I am aware of my strengths and weaknesses. I know I'll be able to make sense of the kinesthetic part of it (between my general knowledge and my yoga books), I believe with practice I'll be able to teach students this as well, I am aware of the spiritual side and am starting to understand it more. It may not be the strongest understanding, but I believe in yoga. It's becoming (every day is a struggle) a way of life. I wish that I can impart what little knowledge I have so far onto people. But I'm scared. What if I do it wrong? What if I'm not good enough? Heh. Story of my life I guess.

It's that learning of compassion.

For whatever reason, that word sounds so beautiful.  I love it.

waiting.

It's been about 3 weeks that I cut him out of my life: no more phone number and no more Facebook contact. The "friends" thing lasted about 4 days before I told him I can't be friends with an ex (things had happened since the initial break up that enforced this stance I take). I was replied to with, "Tis a shame, but I gotta respect that. All the best, and I'm always here if ya need anything".

That was it. 

Now, it's not like we were in a serious relationship, it's not like I lost a fundamental part of my life or a part of my self. None of that. And now I've gone through all the things he did that made me angry and have finally gotten angry over them. I've gone through all memories that reminded me how much of a dick he was to me, and others. I know I am better off without him (not that he was all that terrible to me, I'm just more stable without a relationship in my life), I know we weren't going to work out in the long run. I know all these things. Yet, I still haven't been able to completely stop thinking about him.

For a fact, I am romanticising about him as a person, thinking about who I wanted him to me and am remembering the moments when he was that. Especially when we first started dating. That's where I'm stuck, I'm just in an endless reel of memories of him, things he said, things we did and back in the days when I wasn't sure if he was interested all those moments that I picked apart for some tiny meaning of affection.

Maybe it's not him I miss, but the drama. The comfort of having someone - anyone!- to think about that wasn't myself. I've seen him a couple times now in the hallways at school and I'm thankful I have an excuse to avoid him. Is that weird? I sometimes dreaded seeing him at school when we were dating. Funny how that works.

I know I'm going to be jealous if I were to ever see him with another girl, or even thinking "hey, maybe he's the person I wanted him to be with her" if I see him being soft and affectionate (for once) in public, or thinking about him bringing another girl home to his house and family and joking around with her; things that we did. I'm sure that's a given in any break up. But I'm waiting for the day when I can not think about him; when he is just another chapter in my life. When I can stop needing his presence, even if in mere thought, in my life. A friend made a good point that it's not so much him personally I'm mad at or upset with, it is all the time I've spent in the last year and a bit on him, thinking about him and how to make it obvious I like him, how to spend time with him, how to get him to pay attention to me, how to get him to value me. And it makes sense. 

I'm going to have to accept that it's okay. It's okay that I spent time on him, it's okay that things didn't work out, and it's okay to still have those special moments with him. I have good memories - bad ones too - about all my exes.  

And I don't know what bothers me more: thinking he did not genuinely care, or thinking he did. Either way, it's over. And I need to accept that. I need to reconcile with all my thoughts and feelings towards him; which I think I'm doing albeit very slowly. All I can do now, is learn from my past, stay in the present and hope for a better relationship in the future.

Oi, I'm so cheesy. Oh well. 

til kingdom come.

Dear self,


You can do this. You can talk to him like an adult, clearly expressing your feelings without pointing a finger, and offering some solutions. There is no need for blame, no need to jump to conclusions or get mad. I can only try and teach him what I need, and make us both mindful and aware of my concerns and fears. I am not passing a judgement on him or myself, I'm not saying I want to give up; my sole purpose in talking to him tonight is to make sure we're on the same page. I cannot expect him to have answers to my questions tonight, and I need to be patient if he needs to take time to think about it. I will give him that gift, time, to reflect and think as well. I will listen with open ears and heart when, and if, he voices himself too.  


Love, 


Me.

"I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I've learned that no matter how much I care some people just don't care back. And it's not the end of the world."

wear sunscreen.

I'm so fascinated with my body, is that vain? Who cares, I have found myself so often lately just standing in front of the mirror posing and flexing and seeing all my muscles. I don't say this to be all, "oh I'm so hot: all the bitches wanna be me all the guys wanna date me"; not even at all. 

I have always been conscious of my weight ever since I can remember, probably as young as 9. The last few years of elementary school I know my goal was to lose weight because I didn't look like any of the other girls: taller, more muscle, more curves but to the elementary school version this was "fat". All through high school, I limited myself and put a cap on what I was able to do accomplish because I was "fat". I went through a period of making myself puke (luckily this was such an unpleasant event I couldn't bring myself to do it), I remember writing down everything I ate (down to the last craisin) and calculating the calories, fat, carbohydrate and protein in each item of food I ate. For a 15 year old, this is a pretty insane thing to be so concerned with. 

I worked on my self esteem through reading some books, graduating high school/starting university and getting some positive reinforcement; pathetically, it was from men but it helped and made me realize I'm not unattractive. But what truly has helped me, is bikram yoga. I started it with my brother's ex, and haven't stopped in the past year and a half. I stayed with it for a year and a bit at one studio, then after getting a job as front desk I moved to another studio. Shortly after starting to work there, there was a 30 day challenge. This kicked my ass; but I have so many benefits to show for it. I've lost weight, my muscles are a hell of a lot more defined and I look good. When I look at pelvic area, I can see all these little muscles and ligaments that I've never seen before! It's so utterly fascinating.

I have never looked this way before and it is so new to me. I could just spend hours looking at myself, my legs, my stomach (which I have never ever wanted to look at before), my arms, my back, my hands: everything. During a wonderful relaxing class today my beautiful teacher, friend and mentor from the beginning of it all told the class, "she's my friend. and from the beginning it wasn't really a struggle with strength or flexibility, but emotions. it was so powerful for her. now look at her: she has all this strength". That hit home for me. Consistently over the past year and a half it's always been commented on how naturally flexible I am, but have no strength. I used to first consider being called flexible as a compliment, it got to a point where I hated it. There was a good week where I hated to the T how flexible I am, why can't I be stronger? 

But today it resonated with me, these words that I was strong. I really felt it as I was in balancing stick: balanced on one leg, all your muscles contracted, arms pulling you forward, your leg pulling back. It hit me what I was doing: I WAS BALANCING ON ONE LEG! It is such an abnormal stance, an a typical way to hold yourself. But there I was (there we were, actually, a good 25 of us) on one leg like it was no big deal. Comical almost, good thing I was out of breath and tired or else I would have laughed at it all.

This journey I've been travelling on has made me realize that once you set your mind to something and let go of any struggle (light bulb moment here during class the other day) you can do anything. Our mind is powerful, and able to do anything; albeit quite fickle at times. This is something I need to remember...as I stare in awe at my own powerful, strong and flexible body.

“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.” Mahatma Gandhi

be fearless.

This week has been such an emotional roller coaster. I know I was pms-ing and all but I can't believe how strangled I felt. From last Friday to Thursday morning I felt awful, dragging, upset and I couldn't stop my negative thoughts so much so that during class on Wednesday I was telling myself, "you can't do this, why are you even bothering?". Which I have worked so hard not to think any more.


The reason I struggled was because I had a couple terrible dreams in which the guy whom I'm dating ended things one dream because he was going to kill himself and the other dream because he thought I was back with an ex (whom believed we were back together after I said "how are you?" to). I wasn't upset because he ended things, I was upset because I felt helpless, useless and not cared for. These feelings then extended into my waking life where because he wasn't texting me it automatically translated to he doesn't care. This (hopefully) is truly not the case, but given the fluctuating hormones and how I'm still struggling to be clear and rational about things I was a wreck. And when I missed his phone calls (one Saturday and one Sunday) I was completely under the impression that he was mad at me and was calling with the intention to call it quits.


This is where things (on my end) get crazy. We went for breakfast on Tuesday and I sent him a little message that night along the lines of: It was nice to see you today, especially since I've been struggling. Obviously this lead to the "with what" question. And long story short, I explained that I was struggling with knowing he cared given we are both really busy ("We are busy," he said, "life happens) but it was okay now. He had a point in saying that, "it shouldn't be an issue to begin with", in regards to my insecurity of knowing he cared or not.


Things are fine (in the sense that we are talking in general, but we have not talked about what I said; my goal for next time we hang out is to have a good talk about this relationship and questions that I have but more on that later) but on Wednesday after not hearing from him all day, I lost it.


I was hanging out after class, and my director/teacher/friend asked me how I was doing. Simple question, but that lead into a 40 minute conversation about this whole relationship. What I drew from this conversation, was that I need to teach him how I feel cared for. For example, I don't need gifts, I don't need him to do things for me but how I know he (and anyone, really) cares for me is taking the initiative to make plans and spend quality time together.


What I have a hard time accepting, is that I deserve to be treated how I want and need. And no one, male or female, is going to know this if I don't communicate with them. My friend brought to my attention that I need to find out how he expresses his affection and that I need to know how I am special to him and am more than "just a friend".


That's essentially the pinnacle thing about our relationship. I never know where I stand with him, I never know how he feels about me and given the industry he's in and how charming he is, he attracts a lot of females attention and affection. Which, is extremely hard to deal with given all the above.


I'm hoping that I can bring up my questions to him without him feeling attacked and that he understands I'm not upset with him, not judging him nor do I think he's a bad person. But I have certain needs and wants as well. That is my goal the next time we hang out.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfq_A8nXMsQ

the ice is thin.

I give way too many fucks. Looking around me at all the successful, generally happy people they have one thing in common: they don't give a fuck. By that I don't mean they treat people like garbage, or don't pay bills or other seemingly badass things. I'm mean that more in the sense of they are 100% true to themselves and don't give a fuck who likes it and who doesn't; "haters gonna hate" if you will.


It's dawned on me, after a few days of slight bitchiness, that I give too many fucks. I care about how people perceive me (granted a hell of a lot less than I have in the past) and to be honest, it really sucks. What's worse is that these "people" are people I care about. I need to let go of this fascination, this obsession with these people approving of me and accepting me. As is always said, if they truly care about me and respect me as a person would they not accept me for all that I am? Whatever that "all" might encaspulate?


I'm also feeling a little disappointed in one person. I care a lot about them, but feeling they don't necessarily feel the same. Leading me to believe it's a total convenience relationship to them, and that if I stop putting in the effort for a bit it will all fall to pieces. Okay, I exaggerate. But I'm feeling that I could maybe find someone who is a little more emphatic and responsive. But as I opened with: I give way too many fucks. If I know the person cares about me and would never do anything to out right hurt me, why does it bother me? I feel the solution is to put it out of my mind, focus on doing what I - the neurotic yogi - wants and do what serves me best. And to reciprocate what is given to me.


That said, I need to work on being a self motivator. I love company and I get slightly upset when my friends are all busy not spending time with me (my life is so rough, I know), but I need to either stop caring and do whatever it is I want any ways (in essence, being more independent) or make more and new friends. I'm thinking a balance of both is necessary.

first time.

Fingers interlocked, knuckles under your chin: and begin. 

Do you remember your first time? I sure don't. I always hear stories about how gruelling other peoples' first times were, how angry and frustrated they got and yet, they always seemed to get addicted. I wish I could remember my first Bikram's class. To be fair, it was over a year ago. But it's not just that, it's also that every I take class feels like my first class all over again. 

Stand up on your toes (just a little bit), knees together, and come down as slow as possible: minimum count of ten.

There are days where I struggle physically to keep my knee locked or my hips forward or simply keeping my palms and wrists together. Other days I struggle to keep my focus on myself, and not comparing my posture to others. A teacher said in a class once, "comparing yourself to others is the first step in limiting yourself". With each class it gets better, however I still find myself gazing over at others' postures. I struggle to give each posture 100% and to not hold back (in order to reserve energy).

Right foot out three feet, thirty six inch minimum, arms up at the same time, pelvis forward. Come down slowly keeping your back straight.

In each class the only thing that gets in the way of completing each posture is myself. I struggle to push through all the doubts, all the negative thoughts and all the compromises of, "I'll take a rest this one, but put in extra effort the next posture". Simply focussing on ones breath is the best remedy for busyness of the mind. This focus, is in and of itself much harder than the physical challenge Bikram's Yoga poses.

Pick your right foot up with your left hand, bring your foot up as close to the costume as you can.

When welcoming a new student to the studio recently, they posed the question, "Why do you practice this yoga?". And I had to answer honestly in that it grounds me and gives me a place solely me. The physical benefits I receive is nothing compared to the mental and emotional benefits I have, and hopefully will continue to receive. The physical outcome is a by product of my mental efforts. 

Turn around, lay down. And get ready for your 2 minute shavashana.

Each 90 minute class is a 90 minute conscious meditation. No sleeping and no closed eyes. One must be always present in the room and within themselves. This presence, this awareness to ones own self is likely the best benefit one can get form a class. Since the beginning of my practice, I have seen huge changes in myself emotionally and mentally. I've learned to accept all that I am (although there are days where I struggle), I've learned to stop being so self depreciative and stop berating myself. But most importantly: I've learned to have patience for myself and forgive myself.

Let's fly: arms out to the sides, chin out, legs tight. The tighter they are, the lighter you'll be.

Personally, this patience and ability to forgive myself is definitely the best outcome of this yoga. Gone are the days where I get frustrated with myself over something that is not worth getting angry over. Consciously or not, I've learned to "let go of everything: thoughts, feelings, pain, everything that doesn't serve" me. 

Now come to the top of your mats for camel pose.

Now although this practice has benefited me so much emotionally, it has obviously helped a lot physically. I've lost twenty pounds since starting, quite a few inches and I've gained so much strength and muscle as a result. It amazes me each class, that I can balance on one leg, or lift myself off the ground so that only my hips are touching. It is incredible what ones body can do for them, when you treat it right.

Feet flexed, arms over your head, thumbs crossed, now sit up!

Each 90 minute class is a chance to push yourself to a new edge, to discover what your body can do for you when you focus your mind and put in one hundred percent effort. I love being able to share my energy with other yogis around me, feeding off of them when I need a push and hopefully they are able to feed off mine when they need some. 

We started off the class with pranayama breathing, now finishing it off with another breathing exercise.

So, no. I don't remember my first Bikram's class. But every time I step into that room, that torture chamber, that room of rejuvenation, I am humbled and reminded that there is no such thing as perfect, and only practice.

Namaste.

you become what you believe.

Wow, this next month is going to be so busy. Between school, yoga, work, and getting ready for summer if I don't stay organized I'm going to get surely lost. Well, organized and keep my goals and target results in sight and I should be fine.

School

• I have no minimum bar for what I need to get in each class, as I slacked off in each the first half of semester but totally smartened up last half. Therefore, my goal is to study my big ol' butt off and do the best I can. I need to go through details of what and how and when I'll be studying, but it will happen.

• I will need to balance studying, with exercising and work.

Yoga

• I have a 30 day challenge coming up, this means I need to do 30 consecutive days of yoga (I am allowed to miss up to at most 5 days, while doing double classes to make up for these losses). I will stay hydrated, eat well and meet this challenge.


• I hope my postures become stronger and I can do them with more ease, integrity and grace.


• I hope I can lose some weight, mix this 30 day challenge with clean eating (which I'll have to design an outline for that) and running and strength training and I should have a banging body for summer (that's the dream, has been for the past billion years)

Work

• This is here more so I save money, not that I need to find a job.
• Things I need to save and budget for: passport(~$100), school (~$720), pay off visa bill (~310), belt (~30). Then clothes and random things over time.


• Goals though for work, is to become more comfortable with talking to the practicioners and selling them this service. Which is hard, as it goes against my beliefs of yoga needing to be paid for.

S'bout it. Gotta stay focussed. Which, admittedly is hard. Here's to hoping.

vapid.

That is how I feel: flavourless, boring and dull. I feel like my brain is been faded out and my wit has slowed. I know this has come as a result of too much time on the computer and not enough time with other people and not enough time reading or studying, or simply stimulating my mind.

Therefore, I'm setting a rule for myself:

- recreational internet browsing is limited to a half hour a day.

- email first thing in the AM and last thing in the PM.

I need to start getting my mind's acuity back.

happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.

Happiness means something different to everyone and everyone goes about achieving it in a different way. For me, personally, a moment of pure happiness is always a surprise; it happens on its own. I cannot go searching for it, I can't strive to be happy it is something that occurs by itself.

Happiness for me is this sense of weightlessness, a feeling of purity, calmness and of balance. I can't say why at any given moment I feel happy, I just feel it. Things just seem to align and I'll feel this shift in energy and pow: there is this undeniable sense of serenity. Always accompanied by this current of energy in my finger tips, my toes, my heart.

Happiness is this innate sense of support and love I get, obviously from my friends and family,but most importantly from myself. I have to always be there for myself first, the love and affection I receive is only to supplement what I have to give to myself. But I went have both, I feel as if I can achieve anything.

nice guys finish last?

Please, nice girls finish last.