waiting.

It's been about 3 weeks that I cut him out of my life: no more phone number and no more Facebook contact. The "friends" thing lasted about 4 days before I told him I can't be friends with an ex (things had happened since the initial break up that enforced this stance I take). I was replied to with, "Tis a shame, but I gotta respect that. All the best, and I'm always here if ya need anything".

That was it. 

Now, it's not like we were in a serious relationship, it's not like I lost a fundamental part of my life or a part of my self. None of that. And now I've gone through all the things he did that made me angry and have finally gotten angry over them. I've gone through all memories that reminded me how much of a dick he was to me, and others. I know I am better off without him (not that he was all that terrible to me, I'm just more stable without a relationship in my life), I know we weren't going to work out in the long run. I know all these things. Yet, I still haven't been able to completely stop thinking about him.

For a fact, I am romanticising about him as a person, thinking about who I wanted him to me and am remembering the moments when he was that. Especially when we first started dating. That's where I'm stuck, I'm just in an endless reel of memories of him, things he said, things we did and back in the days when I wasn't sure if he was interested all those moments that I picked apart for some tiny meaning of affection.

Maybe it's not him I miss, but the drama. The comfort of having someone - anyone!- to think about that wasn't myself. I've seen him a couple times now in the hallways at school and I'm thankful I have an excuse to avoid him. Is that weird? I sometimes dreaded seeing him at school when we were dating. Funny how that works.

I know I'm going to be jealous if I were to ever see him with another girl, or even thinking "hey, maybe he's the person I wanted him to be with her" if I see him being soft and affectionate (for once) in public, or thinking about him bringing another girl home to his house and family and joking around with her; things that we did. I'm sure that's a given in any break up. But I'm waiting for the day when I can not think about him; when he is just another chapter in my life. When I can stop needing his presence, even if in mere thought, in my life. A friend made a good point that it's not so much him personally I'm mad at or upset with, it is all the time I've spent in the last year and a bit on him, thinking about him and how to make it obvious I like him, how to spend time with him, how to get him to pay attention to me, how to get him to value me. And it makes sense. 

I'm going to have to accept that it's okay. It's okay that I spent time on him, it's okay that things didn't work out, and it's okay to still have those special moments with him. I have good memories - bad ones too - about all my exes.  

And I don't know what bothers me more: thinking he did not genuinely care, or thinking he did. Either way, it's over. And I need to accept that. I need to reconcile with all my thoughts and feelings towards him; which I think I'm doing albeit very slowly. All I can do now, is learn from my past, stay in the present and hope for a better relationship in the future.

Oi, I'm so cheesy. Oh well.