This week has been such an emotional roller coaster. I know I was pms-ing and all but I can't believe how strangled I felt. From last Friday to Thursday morning I felt awful, dragging, upset and I couldn't stop my negative thoughts so much so that during class on Wednesday I was telling myself, "you can't do this, why are you even bothering?". Which I have worked so hard not to think any more.
The reason I struggled was because I had a couple terrible dreams in which the guy whom I'm dating ended things one dream because he was going to kill himself and the other dream because he thought I was back with an ex (whom believed we were back together after I said "how are you?" to). I wasn't upset because he ended things, I was upset because I felt helpless, useless and not cared for. These feelings then extended into my waking life where because he wasn't texting me it automatically translated to he doesn't care. This (hopefully) is truly not the case, but given the fluctuating hormones and how I'm still struggling to be clear and rational about things I was a wreck. And when I missed his phone calls (one Saturday and one Sunday) I was completely under the impression that he was mad at me and was calling with the intention to call it quits.
This is where things (on my end) get crazy. We went for breakfast on Tuesday and I sent him a little message that night along the lines of: It was nice to see you today, especially since I've been struggling. Obviously this lead to the "with what" question. And long story short, I explained that I was struggling with knowing he cared given we are both really busy ("We are busy," he said, "life happens) but it was okay now. He had a point in saying that, "it shouldn't be an issue to begin with", in regards to my insecurity of knowing he cared or not.
Things are fine (in the sense that we are talking in general, but we have not talked about what I said; my goal for next time we hang out is to have a good talk about this relationship and questions that I have but more on that later) but on Wednesday after not hearing from him all day, I lost it.
I was hanging out after class, and my director/teacher/friend asked me how I was doing. Simple question, but that lead into a 40 minute conversation about this whole relationship. What I drew from this conversation, was that I need to teach him how I feel cared for. For example, I don't need gifts, I don't need him to do things for me but how I know he (and anyone, really) cares for me is taking the initiative to make plans and spend quality time together.
What I have a hard time accepting, is that I deserve to be treated how I want and need. And no one, male or female, is going to know this if I don't communicate with them. My friend brought to my attention that I need to find out how he expresses his affection and that I need to know how I am special to him and am more than "just a friend".
That's essentially the pinnacle thing about our relationship. I never know where I stand with him, I never know how he feels about me and given the industry he's in and how charming he is, he attracts a lot of females attention and affection. Which, is extremely hard to deal with given all the above.
I'm hoping that I can bring up my questions to him without him feeling attacked and that he understands I'm not upset with him, not judging him nor do I think he's a bad person. But I have certain needs and wants as well. That is my goal the next time we hang out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfq_A8nXMsQ
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