the ice is thin.

I give way too many fucks. Looking around me at all the successful, generally happy people they have one thing in common: they don't give a fuck. By that I don't mean they treat people like garbage, or don't pay bills or other seemingly badass things. I'm mean that more in the sense of they are 100% true to themselves and don't give a fuck who likes it and who doesn't; "haters gonna hate" if you will.


It's dawned on me, after a few days of slight bitchiness, that I give too many fucks. I care about how people perceive me (granted a hell of a lot less than I have in the past) and to be honest, it really sucks. What's worse is that these "people" are people I care about. I need to let go of this fascination, this obsession with these people approving of me and accepting me. As is always said, if they truly care about me and respect me as a person would they not accept me for all that I am? Whatever that "all" might encaspulate?


I'm also feeling a little disappointed in one person. I care a lot about them, but feeling they don't necessarily feel the same. Leading me to believe it's a total convenience relationship to them, and that if I stop putting in the effort for a bit it will all fall to pieces. Okay, I exaggerate. But I'm feeling that I could maybe find someone who is a little more emphatic and responsive. But as I opened with: I give way too many fucks. If I know the person cares about me and would never do anything to out right hurt me, why does it bother me? I feel the solution is to put it out of my mind, focus on doing what I - the neurotic yogi - wants and do what serves me best. And to reciprocate what is given to me.


That said, I need to work on being a self motivator. I love company and I get slightly upset when my friends are all busy not spending time with me (my life is so rough, I know), but I need to either stop caring and do whatever it is I want any ways (in essence, being more independent) or make more and new friends. I'm thinking a balance of both is necessary.