rainy day, rainy mind.

i am nothing.
i am a liar.
i am a hypocrite.
i am two faced.
i am undeserving.
i am mean and judgmental.
i am cold.

this among other reasons is why i feel i will be on this lifelong journey...or lifelong lesson you could say. a lesson of learning peace and true compassion. not one that is fleeting or conditional. i need to turn my gaze inward, focus on healing myself instead of passing judgement onto others. for this reason alone (the reason being: my passing judgement on others) i am very undeserving. undeserving of kindness, empathy, and compassion from others. i need to be able to give it to others (and to myself) before i can expect it from others. i need to stop looking for validation from others, looking for acceptance, or approval. in the end, i need to live with who i am as a person. not them.

one step towards this, is to stop looking at facebook which i believe to be a very deceiving facet. people drive me nuts by posting things that are clearly attention seeking, posts which are clearly looking for validation. a quote i often come back to when i start passing judgment,

"If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us. ~Herman Hesse"

this reminds me that if i start to hate on a person for 'bragging' or saying something that is evident to their 'seeking validation', i need to take a step back and reflect. i need to ask myself, 'am i guilty of this myself?' more often than i like to admit, yes. i am. for this reason, i need to work on two things (among everything else i am working on): a. stop seeking validation from others; i do not need to explain or complain about how busy i am just to get their validation of "oh wow, she's busy, she's productive, she's successful". no, i do not need that if i have a strong sense of self that i can give myself that validation. b. i need to start listening more and let others rely on me. not me relying on them. if that means i stop talking as much, so be it. i have other outlets.

ps: i am still upset and hurt by him. i do not know how to deal.