i am a heart that's hard to pin.

I wish I was hard to pin; unfortunately I'm not. I'll give you three guesses who is back in my life and the first two don't count. I'll also give you one guess to find out how I'm feeling about him? 

Yes it's him. Yes I want him back. What I think is weirder, is I want him to want me back even more. I was told this is normal, though I don't think it is. I think me wanting him back is more normal than the latter desire.  To be fair, I'm not sure if it's specifically him or if I'm just enjoying the attention. If, because I want the chance to practice my skills of being open and communication, I want a chance with someone I'm already comfortable with, have a rapport with over someone I have to start anew with. 

I keep telling myself that nothing has changed, I'm still not going to be special to him, the only reason why he liked me in the first place was because I liked him and there was no unique quality about me that attracted him to me, that he's probably seeing another girl -- pulling the same moves on her as he did me, that he is only using me for a confidence boost, and he didn't treat me as well as he should have. More importantly, I'm reminding myself of all the hurtful things that happened over the course of "dating" that bothered me. Through the grapevine I was made aware of a comment he made. This comment pretty clearly indicates he's been trying to see other girls (as if "us" ending did not affect him in any way) and again demonstrates that I was not special. I am still not special. I tell myself that I am a back up.

It's not working.

I cannot quite figure out what is drawing me back. Do I want to feel like shit about myself? Doubt my every ability and genuine character (as I often did with him)? Do I want the drama? Am I just as needy as him? (Yes). 

Forgetting what everyone and my brother said about him ("he's a dick"), I liked him for a reason. He puts on a show, but deep down he has a truly good heart, he is such a hard and dedicated worker, and I do naively pathetically stupidly honestly believe that if anything does happen it will be better. I am aware of my weaknesses (I'm closed off, independent and am afraid of being vulnerable) and because I want to work on them I will at least try being more open, asking for help -- even accepting help when offered -- and allowing myself to be vulnerable; that is: no walls, no twisting words being straightforward and honest.

Do I wait? Do I act? Do I forget?

I feel lost (not pertaining solely to this, other aspects of life as well). I don't feel grounded.

Is what I'm feeling justified? Am I being a hopeless romantic about this all? (Yes). Does this at all make a difference to emotions? (No). With no rhyme or reason to back it up, I want him.

"This is what makes us girls
We all look for heaven and we put our love first
Somethin' that we'd die for, it's our curse." 

-- This Is What Makes Us Girls, Lana Del Ray

NEWSFLASH: I just want attention. And unfortunately he is slightly providing me that. I just need to reel my thoughts in.