all you think of lately is getting underneath me.

I've class 6 into my 60 day challenge, I was hoping for a second one today but my legs are exhausted and I hope that by giving them today as a rest they'll be stronger tomorrow. I set myself up for a 60 day challenge, not necessarily for the weight loss (though I'm hoping that is a by product of this), but because I'm hoping to reap the mental rewards. That is, calmness, clarity and kindness. I have not been any of those things recently, I have such a bitch, unsupportive and unloving to the people around me. And if I continue to act this way, I will really be alone. If I want people to out reach to me, and want to spend time with me, I can't be this miserable old bitty that I have been, I can't constantly complain. I hate when people can't see the joy and hope in life, and that's what I've been doing: miserable, sad, self-pitying -- really it's been quite pathetic. So, my 60 day challenge is a self proclaimed journey to kindness and openness.

I struggle it seems, to accept that I'm not as special as I seem to think. In class, I find I want to be called out for doing such an exceptional job, but that's so incredibly weak, I shouldn't need that reinforcement. With my friends, I struggle with accepting that never in ten thousand million years will I ever be a priority for them -- and why should I be, I'm just a friend and that's all, not a life partner or family. So what is it in me that expects more from them? I need to let go of that expectation. Why can't I let go out of stupidstupidstupid boy? I came upon this realization in a dream last night, I truly was a convenience to him, I was someone who liked him and that's why he liked me. I truly feel there was no unique trait about me that he liked, that's why his comment (that I heard through the grapevine) of, "always being stuck in the friend zone" bothered me. It came across to me that he was just trying to get to know any girl that would give him the light of day, and would get pissed off when they were not interested. But hey, he has a girlfriend now.

I'm finding I'm unwilling to let go of any control I may have, I feel I've gotten really...prickly on the outside. Prickly meaning, I'm super defensive and closed and have this feeling of entitlement. It's sad, I think, given that all I was is to be someone special to someone else, and I can't do that because I'm closed and feel I 'deserve' certain things. I can't even elaborate on these "things" because I don't even know.

There's two men that if I see them again I'd love to ask one of them out and start a conversation with the other. But hey! I can't, because shouldn't the guy do that? But...shouldn't I also just go after what I want? I'm so confused with how to act. Conflicting advice coming at me left, right and centre. Maybe I'm just not ready, but who ever is ready?! I think of my close friends, and how they're in admirable long term relationships and I get really upset because I imagine talking to them about this and the strings of advice I get are, "You have plenty of time" and "It'll happen when the time is right!". And then I get jealous, why was the "time right" for them and not me? And then I get sad, none of this will matter to them because at the end of the day they have their own person. And I sit here day in day out alone, not that it's particularly bad. I enjoy my company (possibly too much), I'm busy with school and work both where I get to interact with a wide variety of amazing people. But I don't have that person...someone...to call up and be all, "HEY LET'S GO GET DRINKS!" or "LET'S GO WATCH A MOVIE!" or even, "LET'S GO TO THE DOLLAR STORE AND MAKE ARTS AND CRAFTS".

It really puts a damper on things when a certain friends tries time and time again to invite me out with her group of friends but I don't because "I'm really tired". I rarely see her, but we have been friends for so incredibly long and I'm grateful for it. But this 'hermit under a rock' routine has to stop, but then I get worn down. Where is that middle ground of getting what I need to done, and getting what I want out of life?

I'm 22 and I'm still moping around going on and on incessantly about "oh i'm not special". And then people say I'm mature, as if. To sum up: I'm sad, and maybe a little resentful, that I'm not, nor have been, in a meaningful relationship.

And before you say, "you need to stop focussing on this and just focus on work/school, someone will come up" and I have to slap you. Let me say that these feelings don't come up until I'm done work, until I'm done my school work, until I've done yoga and all the things I do 'for me'. These feelings come up when I have some down time and would love company or another person's energy, and don't. Stop telling me what I have to do, or not do, to find someone. Stop telling me that I've got all these problems because I'm so thoughtful and aware of being alone while you have someone. Stop telling me that I'm alone because of x,y,z and if I find a solution to these issues someone will magically appear. I don't even know what I want to hear, I don't know what actions or words will help. Thankfully, I have a family dinner tonight so at least I have company. Thankfully, they're stuck with me no matter what. Thankfully, I have myself, my healthy body and my ability to care.

my lovely new buddha and my 2013 agenda.