free write!

So I often get (well, I'm sure a lot of people do) caught up in being concise and clear in trying to convey my thoughts and ideas to people. But right now, I think I just need to let it all out. Here is my free write, my thoughts and feelings as they are; no back stories, explanations, trying to have the whole picture -- nothing.

I've been working on being compassionate, towards myself (especially myself) and to others. Reading How Yoga Works one passage really struck me, and it was the meditating/giving and taking part. You sit and breathe, thinking of one person and trying to rid them of all their pain and struggles and worries by simply taking it all on yourself. I think that is an extraordinary thing to want to achieve: taking all of someones pain onto you? How selfless.

How selfish of me, however, to want to do that for myself. I want to take away my pain (however petty and unwarranted as it may be), let go of my struggles and be more rational about my worries. It's weird, I try to be my everything. I know, I know, I sound crazy. But, while yes I have friends (and wonderful, loving and supportive friends at that), I don't have that one interpersonal connection with any one (yet) that is strictly mine. I'm selfish, but I want that. I want someone who is willing to be as open with me as I would strive to be with them. I was told in my most recent break up (which happened 2 months ago, and I'm still not 100% over it, which annoys me as it wasn't even that long of a relationship, I was miserable in it. I find myself still thinking about him though in both a good and bad light. Why can't he just go away!? What is it about him that I feel I am lacking!?) that I didn't involve him in my life, and I never opened up to him. And he's totally right. So now, I'm worried that I won't be able to do that with any potential partner. It's easier for me to keep my life compartmentalized.

It feels though, that whenever I find myself so incredibly lonely, I always go back to my two close friends who accept me for who I am, and offer me that companionship I so desperately want. We enjoy one anothers' company at such a basic and fundamental level that we can just sit there in silence, and still have a legitimately good time. They give me everything I could need in someone (I joke that they together are my stand in boyfriend) falling short of any physical intimacy -- because let's face it, that would be a touch awkward. I am so completely comfortable around them it's ridiculous. And I want to find that with someone.

I've been feeling a little, okay a lot, lost lately. I've lost my footing (it could very well be I'm just on my period and the hormone levels are making me feel this way) and I'm not sure why.

 I'm looking forward to the fall where I'll be immersed in all things Tania: 4 courses in school (Kin 201 [attempt #2, I will do a LOT better this time around though that is my promise to myself; I'm hoping I can do the group project by myself so I can just do yoga stuff and not feel bad about telling others what to do], Kin 205 [that I need to get the textbook from a friend, and I will do amazing in the class another promise to myself], MBB 321 [seems like it will be interesting, a lot of work but I will again do this!] and Kin 111 [which is distance education, so it will be new to me. Even though this may not count towards anything, once this semester is over I will apply for the Applied Human Nutrition certificate because it may be cancelled soon; SCARY! But that means I will be out of school a little sooner I believe]), 2 part time jobs (so I can save money), my regular yoga practice and general exercise, a hatha yoga teacher training course (2 weekends, $450), I HOPE a research assistant jobs (it would be 3 weeks, good pay and really great/interesting experience). I could probably apply for the Go Girls! program, but I'm not 100% committed, maybe in the spring.

I have a party tonight, I'm hoping to get drunk and just forget everything for a bit. But I'm not sure how lit I can let myself go.

I don't know why I worry so much about everything. Somethings just take care of themselves, I get that. But sometimes I just get into this big never ending cycle of thoughts. I know at that point I need to write things down. And when I do it's always the same things, it's not until I sit down and acknowledge, "Okay. I know these three things I need to work on. And I have the ways to do so. I now need to calm down and realize it's a matter of time. It's not going to happen right away". It's hard to actually internalize all this. A lot of the time I find it's an external, "Okay yeah, I need to work on this" but I continue to fret over it. I need to work on that.

I guess I just don't believe in myself. Even with this yoga teacher training. Can I do it? Why do I feel I can't? Because I don't know enough? I don't trust my teaching abilities? Because last time they made fun of Bikram's Yoga even though it's the only one I've done? Ever? Who knows. But I need to realize, that I can do it. I am aware of my strengths and weaknesses. I know I'll be able to make sense of the kinesthetic part of it (between my general knowledge and my yoga books), I believe with practice I'll be able to teach students this as well, I am aware of the spiritual side and am starting to understand it more. It may not be the strongest understanding, but I believe in yoga. It's becoming (every day is a struggle) a way of life. I wish that I can impart what little knowledge I have so far onto people. But I'm scared. What if I do it wrong? What if I'm not good enough? Heh. Story of my life I guess.

It's that learning of compassion.

For whatever reason, that word sounds so beautiful.  I love it.