pain is inevitable...

 Suffering is optional. Is what I'm thinking as I sip on my gnarly celery-spinach-berry-rice/hemp protein-smoothie. It wouldn't be bad if the celery wasn't in there, but the more I drink the more it grows on me; it's not sweet in the slightest and I know I'm putting good things into my body. In contrast to lunch where it was a carbohydrate-sugar-saturated-fat-overload...but who cares.

 There are times like right now, where I feel I'm not enough...I'm not doing enough, I'm not amounting to much. I as a person, am just not enough. I know where it all stems from too, and I hate that he is unaware what kind of toll it does take on me. I love him to bits, but there have been a few too many comments lately (3/4 of them were said today) that have left me feeling upset with who I am, what I'm doing and my personal future.

Comment #1:
I was finally home for dinner last Friday, first time in quite some time, alone with my parents. We were simply catching up, talking about everything and the subject of relationships come up. Using some examples close to home, I mentioned, "how I hate when girls fall apart for their guy...forget who they are and simply follow the guy around like a puppy dog". Yes, I'm guilty of this. Does not mean I like it. And I can't remember what else I said (I know for sure I said something) but the conversation ended, as I had to leave and get ready for a party, with my dad jokingly stating, "Guess I won't have to worry about making wine for your wedding with that attitude". I laughed at it too, being somewhat proud of that at the time (proud that I won't let a guy tell me what to do). But mix that with my sad feelings when my family gets together, and you get me as I am right now: feeling like a spinster. Spinster, you say? But I'm so young, I have so much time. Well big deal. I absolutely hate, hate hate HATE when people tell me this. I always want to stand up and walk away (maybe I'll start doing that). What makes me sad about all this, is when my family gets together it's sweet: my parents, my brothers and their girlfriends; girls who have become quite comfortable with my family and it's lovely, they fit right in. And then there's me, the odd man out. Even with all my friends, I'm the odd man out. Most times it doesn't bother me, but lately I've been feeling very much turned off from spending time with my friends due to this. Well, this and some other reasons: having a part of who I am outright rejected, busy with school and busy with work.

Comment #2:
"You're too skinny." Well dad, I've actually gained some weight, "I didn't want to say anything, but I thought so." Then, when I went for another piece of cake today (comment #3), "You know that's fattening right?" -- saying this to piss me off, get a rise out of me and to be a jerk. 'Does it look like I care?' Looks at my stomach and says, "Yes!". I am still way too emotional about this one, so I'll leave my thought process until later. I need to sort it out myself.

Comment #4:
We were all having a general discussion about hobbies and how my younger of two brothers has been picking up my dads hobbies and I say, to my dad obviously, "You know, you bugged us when we were younger to take up your hobbies: wine making, salami making, gardening, all those traditions. And now we are." Makes some comments that he's noticed too and he hasn't been saying much any more. Then looks back at me, "Except for you." What do you mean dad? (I already felt bad because I figured he was making yet another dig at me for never being home, not 'being a part of the family'), "You know, washing the dishes, cleaning the house, making dinner." I know once again, he was being the typical pot-stirring jerk he is, but man that pissed me off. Is that all I am to you? A food-making-baby-popping-machine that is failing because I'm not in a serious relationship? (Yes). I said it before, but now my argument is taking a different tone. I once stated that he'll never be able to respect my achievements (outside of the home) if I have a family because to him family should take first priority and if I'm not taking care of them I'm failing, so non-domestic achievements will mean nothing to him. Well now, that train of thought has changed: he'll never be able to respect me if I don't have a family. I have wasted my potential as a human if I don't procreate (given his ideology, I feel this one would be hard to refute on his end).

What a pleasant, uplifting, supportive thought. I need to go and digest this some more.

ps, I think halloween is one of my most disliked 'holidays'.

Getting past the sting of that last comment of my father's, it makes me wonder what my purpose is then. What, if I'm not going to procreate, is my reason for living? I must have a purpose if I'm alive. I have an inkling as to what it is, but it's rather intimidating and full of work and I'm not sure I'm ready to step up or accept it.