you get lost you can always be found.

After a mini-freakout in the middle of class today so graciously responded to by S, I realized I need to get some stuff off my chest.

I AM SO DONE WITH SCHOOL. I have been at sfoo for...every semester since fall 2008 with only 2 semesters off. I still have 5 to go; roughly 1.5 years. I feel my life is hindered by this as I do not have time to go out and experience things nor the money to do so. These 'things' I want to do are simple things like travelling, camping, different activities on the weekend (hiking, shooting ranges, archery, roller blading, go-karting, movies) and dating. I don't feel I can do any of these things for two reasons: 1) no time 2) no one to do them with. I will touch upon the second item shortly. But to sum up: SCHOOL I AM OVER YOU.

This year seems to be the year of interactions. After finally giving up on certain relationships, and realizing I need to leave and stop actively working on it, I have been so much more...at ease you could say. I find myself branching out, spending time with different people and even meeting new ones. This makes me happy. That said, I swant to date. Nothing serious, by any means but it would be nice for some excitement. I have two possibilities on hand which I'm slowly working on. You caught me, I'm not really actively working on either but whatever. You're not the boss of me; more on this 'you're' I'm apparently talking to another day. One is the bank teller which LOL yes I am still talking about and going back and forth on. I definitely want to hang out with him even as friends if not only for a friendship. He seems pretty funny. And this other guy that I went to high school with but never interacted with in any way. Sunday there was a few of us hanging out and I ended up with my head on his lap. ON. Not IN. Just to be clear. Both by my being a sly vixen (read: I slowly inched my way towards him so not sly or vixen like...more like creepy) and him vibing on me too. I do know he has slight man-whorish tendencies, but that does not phase me. I am looking for a cute boy to think I am pretty and that is all. Okay, maybe to buy me posies and hold my hand too. And okay, fine! Maybe for his penis in my vagina too. But, namely the thinking I'm pretty. I am perusing this site called 'meet up' where different groups post different 'meet ups': singles for activities, runners for a supportive running group, moms, photographers etc. I'm thinking of trying that one out as it looks like it will be fun. I recall a friend saying "you put too much importance on guys" and "you care about it too much" "who cares?". To that I reply with: fuck you. It's easy for you to say that, easy for about any one to say that if they are in a committed relationship, but it is what I care about. So to you I also say, suck it. I am getting better, slightly better, and being a big more assertive. Go me.

Housing. My house is a ball of stress and I want to move out. I am bitter that all I have is a piddly little room to do my spiritual, emotional and intellectual development in. It does not seem big enough and it's proving a hindrance more on my thinking of it, than an actual barrier. If that makes sense. I do need more room though.  And these inspection dates are driving me nuts and I am definitely jealous that M can live in the house and I can't. I know he has paid his dues though. Much more so than I have.

I am so stressed for my trip to Vegas and the Wedding. Mainly because I feel like crap about myself. I have gained much weight from Christmas, and cannot motivate my self to exercise or eat well. I then eat because I am stressed out about everything including how I feel about myself. It's an endless loop. At least this is the one I have most control over.

But it would HELP if the stupid weather would clear up and be sunny so I can go for a run early in the morning. And just get sunny in general. Because this weather is making me a sad panda.

I feel I'm going slightly crazy. Best way I can describe it is: cabin fever. I feel stuck in this small box and cannot get out or grow or expand. I do not know how to deal with it, clearly. I'm finding little ways though such as the spending time with people.

That is it. For now. I feel I will be writing out little lists like this so I do not have to spam S's inbox with texts that are trying to be concise as possible but leave the reader trying to piece together what the heck it is that I am saying. S does a good job though, xox.

ps...I'm more anxious this semester than last. What the hell is happening?