it's time.

time to let go, time to move on, time for bigger and better things.

these bigger and better things being:

• focussing on my yoga practice, getting deeper and stronger into the postures
• making better connections with friends - that is, not being so selfish, and spending honest time with them
• making new friendships - it's scary, but whatever i'm awesome. why wouldn't people want to be my friend
• meeting new men - who cares about rejection (well, I do, but whatever it's such a fleeting moment that in a day I'm sure I'd be over it), who cares about what they'll think, who cares if they're 'mr. right'. I have a tendency to think like Ted Mosby because I think every relationship is the be all end all. But that's not what I want right meow, I just want someone to spend some short term time with: flirting, being all exciting with, cuddling, going on silly dates. But I only want that when it works for me, that is when I'm not focussed on school or work. So really, what's the likelihood of that happening? Nada. But I can't depend on my social situations to help me with this, I can't depend on my friends. I gotta search them out for myself. If I see Cute Bank Teller, will I be able to ask him out? To see a movie? Who knows. This is all so reassuring when I have motivational music playing in my background, what gets me nervous is when in real time and there is none of that. I'm just left alone with my obsessive thoughts and circular logic. Scary.
• time to start teaching yoga - buck up because that's the next step. I know I'm scared, but that's part of learning. I hate not being perfect, but how else (if not by screwing up multiple times) am I going to learn and grow?

Time to grow up. 

keep your head up.

Turns out, it is not about being alone or having people around. Turns out it is the sharing of energy, the actively working together on a project that I've needed. Yes, I like my time alone and I definitely need it. But I also thrive on being around people, interacting with them and sharing energy with them.

It makes sense because that is why I was so happy over the summer, I was constantly around people that were happy, positive and supportive. Once school started, I started becoming more shut off and tuning people out thinking I needed to become more focussed. While this is true, I still need to spend time with people and working actively with them to feel content.

These past few days I've been spending time with different people and I feel great. On Saturday I went over to a friend's place where they invited one of their own friends, we made pizza from scratch (turned out delicious by the way) and watched a movie that made no sense. On Sunday, I worked on a group project with some positive and hard working peers, then went to practice yoga and had a rocking class with a mentor of mine (though she doesn't know it) right next to me, then had a wonderful friend visit me. I was really happy she did too, getting to share a piece of my little bubble with her. And on Monday I spent more time working on that group project and went to yoga where we had another wonderful class and some birthday cake!

It's not about being in a relationship (though it'd be nice, lesbehonest), but about being able to open up and share genuine, lightheartedness with others. It's great.

I really cannot wait for next semester, I'm ready to get rid of these last few introductory courses off my list and get started with the heavy stuff. I'm ready to start teaching yoga, I'm ready to discover what I can achieve when I set my mind to it.

What was the best thing that happened to me today yesterday? Spending a wonderful evening with some truly special people.

What could I have done better today? Not eat a shit tonne of peanut butter.

What is the most important thing I must accomplish tomorrow? In order of when they will get done: go to yoga, go to the office and finish off the paper work, go to school and then finish the group project, go to class, go home and make some hummus.

What new thing can I try tomorrow? Not new, but I need to start doing it anyway: using the computer strictly for an actual purpose. Not aimlessly going on random sites or watching TV-- I started a new show...it's on its seventh (eighth?) season and I'm almost finished the first. I started it Saturday. In my defense, I miss half the shows and every 3rd one doesn't work. So there.

Who is the most important person (or people) in my life and what am I doing for them? Right now? My group members. And what am I doing for them? Well, procrastinating. Woops. But I will give in my portion of the project and we will do really well on it. 

have you seen my ghost?

One Week was the one and only movie that we had watched together that I truly enjoyed. I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but it's absolutely amazing. And it made me fall in love with Wintersleep's Weighty Ghost: it's such a great song.

Today is the day of my Bikram 30 Day Challenge and I've already missed a day, woops! But that's okay, I'll be able to do doubles, and I'm not stressed that my 60 Day Challenge isn't going as well as anticipated, and I'm not really using my Moksha membership, but that is okay. Hear that self: it's okay! I need to make that my mantra for a while. But between school, and working and trying to do yoga I'll have little time for anything else. I definitely need to call that other studio and tell them I'm unable to work there. The money would be great, but I'll have to manage with what I'm making right now.

My 60 Day Challenge is about grounding myself, is about becoming patient and compassionate and open. I've been very closed off and selfish lately. My 60 Day Challenge is to allow me to grow out of these bitter pants I've been wearing for far too long and be able to listen to others and support them and not be selfish and maybe learn proper grammar because this sentence is far too long but I find it funny.

My 30 Day Challenge is about strength and determination. It's about my ability to push my way through all 26+2 postures, about digging deep and doing every posture with grace and dignity even if I can't do it properly. It's about being honest with myself about the work I need to do to ensure my safety. I will do this.

In review of yesterday:

• What was the best thing that happened to me today? The little girl I babysit was being super cute and allowing me to bathe her, showing off her swimming skills by kickkickkicking in the bathtub ("kick! kick! kick!") and showing me how to blow bubbles ("bubbers!"). She then washed my feet and was fascinated over this, and then when I was reading her a bedtime story she was being especially cute and warm but cuddling up to me. She's never done this and in fact has been quite difficult with me, but I really enjoyed this moment with her.
• What could I have done better today? Kept my negativity to myself and even if I could not have been positive, been quiet.
• What is the most important thing I must accomplish tomorrow? Call the other studio and let them know I will be able to work but I truly am thankful for their time and help.
• What new thing can I try tomorrow? Going to the gym and taking care of my health in a non-yoga way. Haha, not new, but I need to get over my 'stage-fright' at this has been what's holding me back lately.
• Who is the most important person (or people) in my life and what am I doing for them? My friends - and I'm doing nothing, sad hey? But I will be more receptive to their problems, not to self focussed, and keep my problems to a minimum because big picture: my problems are not problems. They deserve the same love and support as they give me; though they may need it in a different way than I do.

ps. remember what your brosef said, "Why do you think I want to live on a farm and be self sufficient as possible? To not have to deal with stupid shitty people. But then I wouldn't have met the awesome people I know. Like, truly awesome, not fake." Not everyone sucks, there are awesome people out there. I need to keep my mind and heart open, and allow changes to take place. My old friendships will be there, but they may not serve you all the time. And I need to allow the natural ebb and flow to happen not try and keep it status quo. Deal? Deal. Edit: I love how as soon as I closed this post, went to FB and saw a post that totally made my heart sink. Stop being so narcissistic and let it go. People have lives and friends outside of you, the best thing you can do for yourself is to not hold on to anything. 

imma be positive if it kills me.

I need to not be so prickly and negative. I will start working towards this by not swearing as much, not being such an angry driver (hahaha, but seriously, I'll work on this), actually being grateful for the things I do have and not resentful for the things I don't have. I will also try and reflect on these 5 questions on a more regular basis (these questions are answers for yesterday, as today has barely even started):

• What was the best thing that happened to me today? I was able to do 2 back-to-back Bikram classes  and they were strong classes.
• What could I have done better today? Accomplished more (study, make those bracelets, finish my knitting, cook the squash). 
• What is the most important thing I must accomplish tomorrow? Grocery shopping -- I need to nourish with wholesome, nutritive foods so I can feel good again.
• What new thing can I try tomorrow? Dressing up for work -- look good, feel good.
• Who is the most important person (or people) in my life and what am I doing for them? Well, ME, and I'm taking care of my well-being (nurturing my mind, body and spirit). And right now, I'm on a mom kick. She is super important to me, obviously. I need to help her out more to show that I appreciate her and not just taking advantage. This could be by drying the dishes, putting them away, taking out garbage/recycling -- the little things she does to make the house function. Maybe I'll make dinner, but no really. Everyone would complain, "What is this nasty vegetarian stuff?" 

One question that has been bugging me (as of yesterday...) is: am I going to regret what I'm doing now? That is, am I working too damn much and not doing enough, not going out and having enough "experiences"? Am I missing out on life...? But that also begs the question, what do I want from life, what are my goals and values in life? 

Namaste motherfucker.

(ps: I'm aware I said no more swearing, but this is gold.)

all you think of lately is getting underneath me.

I've class 6 into my 60 day challenge, I was hoping for a second one today but my legs are exhausted and I hope that by giving them today as a rest they'll be stronger tomorrow. I set myself up for a 60 day challenge, not necessarily for the weight loss (though I'm hoping that is a by product of this), but because I'm hoping to reap the mental rewards. That is, calmness, clarity and kindness. I have not been any of those things recently, I have such a bitch, unsupportive and unloving to the people around me. And if I continue to act this way, I will really be alone. If I want people to out reach to me, and want to spend time with me, I can't be this miserable old bitty that I have been, I can't constantly complain. I hate when people can't see the joy and hope in life, and that's what I've been doing: miserable, sad, self-pitying -- really it's been quite pathetic. So, my 60 day challenge is a self proclaimed journey to kindness and openness.

I struggle it seems, to accept that I'm not as special as I seem to think. In class, I find I want to be called out for doing such an exceptional job, but that's so incredibly weak, I shouldn't need that reinforcement. With my friends, I struggle with accepting that never in ten thousand million years will I ever be a priority for them -- and why should I be, I'm just a friend and that's all, not a life partner or family. So what is it in me that expects more from them? I need to let go of that expectation. Why can't I let go out of stupidstupidstupid boy? I came upon this realization in a dream last night, I truly was a convenience to him, I was someone who liked him and that's why he liked me. I truly feel there was no unique trait about me that he liked, that's why his comment (that I heard through the grapevine) of, "always being stuck in the friend zone" bothered me. It came across to me that he was just trying to get to know any girl that would give him the light of day, and would get pissed off when they were not interested. But hey, he has a girlfriend now.

I'm finding I'm unwilling to let go of any control I may have, I feel I've gotten really...prickly on the outside. Prickly meaning, I'm super defensive and closed and have this feeling of entitlement. It's sad, I think, given that all I was is to be someone special to someone else, and I can't do that because I'm closed and feel I 'deserve' certain things. I can't even elaborate on these "things" because I don't even know.

There's two men that if I see them again I'd love to ask one of them out and start a conversation with the other. But hey! I can't, because shouldn't the guy do that? But...shouldn't I also just go after what I want? I'm so confused with how to act. Conflicting advice coming at me left, right and centre. Maybe I'm just not ready, but who ever is ready?! I think of my close friends, and how they're in admirable long term relationships and I get really upset because I imagine talking to them about this and the strings of advice I get are, "You have plenty of time" and "It'll happen when the time is right!". And then I get jealous, why was the "time right" for them and not me? And then I get sad, none of this will matter to them because at the end of the day they have their own person. And I sit here day in day out alone, not that it's particularly bad. I enjoy my company (possibly too much), I'm busy with school and work both where I get to interact with a wide variety of amazing people. But I don't have that person...someone...to call up and be all, "HEY LET'S GO GET DRINKS!" or "LET'S GO WATCH A MOVIE!" or even, "LET'S GO TO THE DOLLAR STORE AND MAKE ARTS AND CRAFTS".

It really puts a damper on things when a certain friends tries time and time again to invite me out with her group of friends but I don't because "I'm really tired". I rarely see her, but we have been friends for so incredibly long and I'm grateful for it. But this 'hermit under a rock' routine has to stop, but then I get worn down. Where is that middle ground of getting what I need to done, and getting what I want out of life?

I'm 22 and I'm still moping around going on and on incessantly about "oh i'm not special". And then people say I'm mature, as if. To sum up: I'm sad, and maybe a little resentful, that I'm not, nor have been, in a meaningful relationship.

And before you say, "you need to stop focussing on this and just focus on work/school, someone will come up" and I have to slap you. Let me say that these feelings don't come up until I'm done work, until I'm done my school work, until I've done yoga and all the things I do 'for me'. These feelings come up when I have some down time and would love company or another person's energy, and don't. Stop telling me what I have to do, or not do, to find someone. Stop telling me that I've got all these problems because I'm so thoughtful and aware of being alone while you have someone. Stop telling me that I'm alone because of x,y,z and if I find a solution to these issues someone will magically appear. I don't even know what I want to hear, I don't know what actions or words will help. Thankfully, I have a family dinner tonight so at least I have company. Thankfully, they're stuck with me no matter what. Thankfully, I have myself, my healthy body and my ability to care.

my lovely new buddha and my 2013 agenda.

anger breeds hate.

Recipe for lonliness:

1 cup sadness
1/2 cup complaints
3 tbsp self deprecation
1/4 tsp self entitlement

Mix all ingredients together in a big bowl, and set them aside for 22 years in a tightly wrapped bowl. Unwrap, and enjoy.

Dear self,

If you don't stop being a miserable old bitty, you're going to end up alone. Smarten up.


ps, don't add onions to your salad anymore, the tastes do not mesh well.