bless my heart, bless yours too.

I have been trying to subside my basic human need of physical contact for a long time now, with anything but that. I've been drinking, eating, smoking -- anything that causes a rush of endorphins (asides from exercise, you know, the good stuff) to be in place of that need. 

It's not good enough any more. It's not doing me any good any more. I am becoming a lonely hermit. I have been house sitting for my brother, and what do I do when I get home? I drink. And I eat. And I sleep. I have been interacting less and less with people. Not reaching out to friends or anyone. The friends issue is tricky. I feel as though they're all moving on without me, and I will let them. I am not going to weigh them down. But the issue is: what about me? What do I have going on in my life? The answer: nothing. I need to change that. I don't know how or why, but it has got to change. 

I stumbled upon this gem:

Why are we bored, lonely and lazy? Because we don't have the will to totally open our hearts to others. If you have the strength of will to totally open your heart to others, you will eliminate laziness, selfishness and loneliness. Actually, the reason you get lonely is that you are not doing anything. If you were busy, you wouldn't have time to get lonely. Loneliness can only enter an inactive mind. If your mind is dull and your body inactive, then you get lonely. Basically, this comes from a selfish attitude, concern for yourself alone. That is the cause of loneliness, laziness and a closed heart.

And it resonates with me. I need to do something about that. This does not make me less, or weak, or stupider than others (I've had this habit of comparing to my friends, and finding all my weaknesses or shortcomings), I am solely different. 

wheat belly.

I began to read Wheat Belly this week, and it is proving an interesting read. I approach the book with a very critical mindset, questioning everything that is stated, realizing that a lot of claims are not supported with references and applying everything to myself.

I am only a third of the way through, and I am already highly skeptical. I am Italian by heritage, and I was raised on pasta, most meals are accompanied with a piece of bread in hand; I feel it is essentially in my genes to not only eat pasta, but be able to digest it.

With this in mind I have decided to try a ten day Gluten-Free (GF) diet. I realize ten days is probably not long enough to see results, but I want to see if it makes a difference in: weight, clarity of mind, attention, overall mood, skin complexion, in short: if eating a GF diet has an impact in my overall life.

I am already vegetarian (though I have had some fish this week due to cravings). I am a student, so my meals have to be portable and easy to eat. I practice Bikram's yoga, so my diet is heavily based around my yoga practice: can't eat too soon before a class, and it can't be heavy meals. The only change I will make to my diet is simply cutting out gluten.

On day one, I am doing great. Light breakfast, fruits for snacks, a hefty portion of salmon and vegetables as lunch/dinner. And I will snack on popcorn tonight.

I will make no changes to my exercise routine, I will not cut out coffee or sugar. And I most certainly will not introduce GF alternatives into my diet, as this does not agree with my philosophy that food should be as unprocessed and packaged as possible.

I weigh in at 182 as of 1:45PM on May 17, 2013. Clothes on and all.

Let the journey begin.

dear mr. man.

dr mr man whom i have yet to meet,

i am shy and quiet, because i want to impress you so i second guess all those sarcastic and cheeky comments i would normally make. i giggle at your every comment because that's all i can do. no, i do not want you to ask for my facebook. ask for my number. do not text me, call me. i'll be nervous, but we can be nervous together.

mr man, do not try to play games. i will not judge you. okay, that was a lie. do not play games but also do not become clingy before we are actually dating. just be a friend. mr man, come pick me up in your car. or get us to meet in a neutral location. do not ask me to come to your place, and if i do, do not have me drive to the second location. i want to feel like a lady. on that note, ask me out on a date. i'll be a nervous wreck, but that's what i want.

i have more curves than i'd like. hold me any ways. i promise to be as straight forward as possible as long as you can reciprocate. i am incredibly easy to keep happy, it will take minimal effort. i can take care of myself for the most part, i do not need to be bought things, i do not need you to open jars of food for me. i need your companionship. i need you to listen to my incessant chatter that i am so very self conscious of. i need you, mr man, to help me develop emotionally as a person.

i want you in my life, but i need you to come to me. i do not want to ask you out because i do not want to force you. i also, as previously mentioned, want to feel like a lady.

if i am overly sarcastic, it is my defence mechanism. it is how i deflect. please see past this.
if i tease you, it is because i like you.

mr man, please bear with me as i try and expose the fact that (underneath what i like to think is my 'tough independent exterior') all i want is to be cared for. i want you to want me. i want you to care for me. i want us to be able to sit in comfortable silence with one another.

mr man, i am waiting. but hurry up. i'm getting impatient.

growing pains.

man oh man is it growing pains. between not giving a fuck about school and complaining to my heart's content about anything and everything, i've come to realize what is bothering me right now is just growing pains. i can't develop as an adult, as an individual in my current life situation. that is, i can't develop in the ways i need to and want to while living at home and in school. unfortunately i need to find some coping methods, because neither will change for a while yet. what i need to do, is find a way to thrive in the situation. i realize i just stated the same thing twice, forgive me i'm drinking. and not 100% focussed on this post, i've got grease playing in the back ground, thinking about the work i should be doing and boys on my mind.

i've gotta get through this little rough patch, get my health and weight back under control and enjoy where i am. i still have it easy in the sense that because i live at home, i do get some things easier than others. i need to appreciate that. i'm going to school because i want to, no one is forcing me to do it; something i often forget.

i think there may be a guy at work slowly starting to sniff around at work, but the thing that gets me is why do men take forever!? bah. the one whom i've been messaging tonight, i just want him to ask for my number, then he can text me and ask me to play pool as i have blatantly said i want to go play and see him again. but hey, maybe i'm not being that clear.

okay, now to write my 'food policy'. did i mention i've been sneaking bits and pieces of meat lately? i definitely don't miss it, but for whatever reason feel the reason to eat it.

you get lost you can always be found.

After a mini-freakout in the middle of class today so graciously responded to by S, I realized I need to get some stuff off my chest.

I AM SO DONE WITH SCHOOL. I have been at sfoo for...every semester since fall 2008 with only 2 semesters off. I still have 5 to go; roughly 1.5 years. I feel my life is hindered by this as I do not have time to go out and experience things nor the money to do so. These 'things' I want to do are simple things like travelling, camping, different activities on the weekend (hiking, shooting ranges, archery, roller blading, go-karting, movies) and dating. I don't feel I can do any of these things for two reasons: 1) no time 2) no one to do them with. I will touch upon the second item shortly. But to sum up: SCHOOL I AM OVER YOU.

This year seems to be the year of interactions. After finally giving up on certain relationships, and realizing I need to leave and stop actively working on it, I have been so much more...at ease you could say. I find myself branching out, spending time with different people and even meeting new ones. This makes me happy. That said, I swant to date. Nothing serious, by any means but it would be nice for some excitement. I have two possibilities on hand which I'm slowly working on. You caught me, I'm not really actively working on either but whatever. You're not the boss of me; more on this 'you're' I'm apparently talking to another day. One is the bank teller which LOL yes I am still talking about and going back and forth on. I definitely want to hang out with him even as friends if not only for a friendship. He seems pretty funny. And this other guy that I went to high school with but never interacted with in any way. Sunday there was a few of us hanging out and I ended up with my head on his lap. ON. Not IN. Just to be clear. Both by my being a sly vixen (read: I slowly inched my way towards him so not sly or vixen like...more like creepy) and him vibing on me too. I do know he has slight man-whorish tendencies, but that does not phase me. I am looking for a cute boy to think I am pretty and that is all. Okay, maybe to buy me posies and hold my hand too. And okay, fine! Maybe for his penis in my vagina too. But, namely the thinking I'm pretty. I am perusing this site called 'meet up' where different groups post different 'meet ups': singles for activities, runners for a supportive running group, moms, photographers etc. I'm thinking of trying that one out as it looks like it will be fun. I recall a friend saying "you put too much importance on guys" and "you care about it too much" "who cares?". To that I reply with: fuck you. It's easy for you to say that, easy for about any one to say that if they are in a committed relationship, but it is what I care about. So to you I also say, suck it. I am getting better, slightly better, and being a big more assertive. Go me.

Housing. My house is a ball of stress and I want to move out. I am bitter that all I have is a piddly little room to do my spiritual, emotional and intellectual development in. It does not seem big enough and it's proving a hindrance more on my thinking of it, than an actual barrier. If that makes sense. I do need more room though.  And these inspection dates are driving me nuts and I am definitely jealous that M can live in the house and I can't. I know he has paid his dues though. Much more so than I have.

I am so stressed for my trip to Vegas and the Wedding. Mainly because I feel like crap about myself. I have gained much weight from Christmas, and cannot motivate my self to exercise or eat well. I then eat because I am stressed out about everything including how I feel about myself. It's an endless loop. At least this is the one I have most control over.

But it would HELP if the stupid weather would clear up and be sunny so I can go for a run early in the morning. And just get sunny in general. Because this weather is making me a sad panda.

I feel I'm going slightly crazy. Best way I can describe it is: cabin fever. I feel stuck in this small box and cannot get out or grow or expand. I do not know how to deal with it, clearly. I'm finding little ways though such as the spending time with people.

That is it. For now. I feel I will be writing out little lists like this so I do not have to spam S's inbox with texts that are trying to be concise as possible but leave the reader trying to piece together what the heck it is that I am saying. S does a good job though, xox.

ps...I'm more anxious this semester than last. What the hell is happening?

are you a chicken? we eat chickens.

It feels like this is the first day I have had to do nothing in so long; much needed though. My plans are to go take a power yoga class at Inner Space Yoga at 10 AM, study, then head over to BYB and take a 6PM class, then maybe go visit M or go return to studying.

I am very much looking forward to the six pm class as D is teaching, and I have much respect for him. He is so interesting to talk to and often spurs on a lot of reflection on my part. He and K have been together for what sounds like forever and I think they are both so fascinating. I always enjoy talking to K, we used to work Thursday mornings together but now that I have classes during the day Thursdays that does not happen. But I love them as individuals and I sense that hanging out with them together would be a riot. D mentioned that we have to go out for dinner one day -- is it weird that I felt so touched by that? And even yesterday, K sent me a text saying, "Hey T, I heard what happened at the studio hope you're not too bothered by it" -- so touched and it was so simple. Even if we do not end up going for dinner, I still know and feel that they genuinely care and also respect me.

What happened yesterday at the studio was quite bothersome. After one class, teacher comes out and says to call the cops because someone was pleasuring themselves on a trail outside of the studio as he was staring into the class. Cops were called, responded really quickly and asked a few questions about where he went and what he looked like; unfortunately unable to find him. It was not even that big of a deal, but it was quite disturbing. The rest of the day was a write off and it was quite annoying to deal with the myriad of phone calls, students constantly leaving the yoga room and all the cleaning to be done. But, on to a new day.

It is also worrisome that a coworker/friend has been gone for 2 weeks longer than planned on her missionary trip to Turkey. Last we spoke to her she was brought into questioning by the Turkish police and no one has heard from her since; M has made a case with the Canadian Consulate though. But I am hoping, wishing and praying for her, and her family's safe return.

Yes. Praying. I think I get it now. I'm still not on the page of "some guy was created out of pure love for us as humans, only to be resurrected and killed to pay for our sins but we need to listen to his teachings". I have not thought about all of that. But as there is nothing I can do about this scenario at this point, I am praying that they are safe. Who knows if this will achieve anything, but for me right now, it is for my sake to keep hope and faith up.

I have friends who think this is stupid. What's worse, they think that I'm on the same page as them. Whenever they make an anti religious comment I always want to say or do something, as they include me in it. They phrase it so that it's like I somehow agree with them. But that's fine. I'm not sure how well my friendships are going at this point to be honest, and I am working on not caring any more. It's been far too long that I have let this friendship bother and far too long that I stand up for it and defend it. At the end of the day, my presence in the friendship does not matter in the slightest. I am working on being fine with this but not putting up with it. That is, expanding  my network.

For example, today I'm going out with C to yoga and studying together. I am hopefully going little black dress/vegas shopping with K. I spend more time at the yoga studio so I'm surrounded by people who truly care. It's funny though, I've realized that I'd take a person who genuinely cares about me at a 3% level as opposed to someone who cares about me 100% of the way but that it does not mean much to. What I mean, I have some people in my life that only know the surface details about me, but when I'm speaking to them and interacting with them, in that moment I can feel they are genuinely invested in that interaction-- in me. Contrast that to people who know everything about me and people that I actively seek time spent together, and there's not much returned at a deep level because 'school and relationships' take first priority. But I'm over it. Ha.

Oh, and that crush? Gone. He's is still incredibly interesting, but realistically nothing would ever happen. So I feel more at ease talking and interacting with him.

In thinking, reading and reflecting I have one more seed I want to plant and more goal to work on. I am missing that mind, body, spirit connection. I need to meditate more in and out of the yoga class. I find when I'm in, I'm so focussed on 'doing well' rather than quieting the mind. I will work on this. The seed?

"When we practice being and doing the things that we expect others to be and do for us, we have a far greater level of self-knowledge that makes us hugely aware of who we bring into our lives. We need people that add to what we already do, not subtracting from where we’re already malnourished."  -- Baggage Reclaim

That is what I need to work on, being and doing what I want from others for myself. That's it, nothing more or less. Now it is time for breakfast though.

seeds seeds seeds.

As I sit here watching my hamster eat celery, I realize there are only three things on my mind at the moment: yoga, my new found crush and Vegas.

Vegas is 27 days away. Flights have been booked, hotel has been booked and now to ensue are the shenanigans. I am particularly looking forward to this trip mainly because it will be a nice get away with people I normally do not get to see. I am enjoying seeing people and spending time with people that I have not in the past; it is a refreshing and stimulating change. Plus, it's Vegas. Need I say more?

Now you see, yoga and my crush go slightly hand in hand. I just took another break, because I am avoiding writing about them. Yoga is going amazingly, I feel so motivated and strong. The one month break was needed and now I feel refreshed and so much more willing to step into that hot room. I am so excited at the possibility to go to teacher training after practicing between two teachers yesterday. It was a wicked experience because they were both focused and strong. I have been buzzing ever since. It also helps that I can see the end of school in five semesters and actually am able to live life.

One of those teachers happened to be the teacher I've developed a slight crush on; curiosity would be a better word. I am quite curious about him: I read a mini biography of him on a studio's website and was blown away. Reading that and generally working around him makes me so curious and interested in his life experiences. I am in such awe of the purity of his character. He seems so genuine and passionate about life, and the yoga; given his past, it makes sense. I want to talk to him, spend more time with him but I'm so intimidated!

Who am I to compare to the people that he has met and will meet, a lowly student 13 years his junior that can barely look him in the face and who can barely talk to him? We sit side by side and I have nothing to say to him. What could possibly interest this guy? I have nothing to offer but my shy and awkward self. I am aware that unless I make a step into showing myself to him, he'll never be able to see who I am and what I am about.  I know at this point I have over thought it, but he is just interesting. Even on a platonic level I would like to spend time with him. True to my nature, I do not know how to go about this. I do not know what I can do without giving all my secrets away, without putting myself in an uncomfortably vulnerable situation and without forcing someone to do something they do not want to.

I am planting the seed, though -- two actually. The first, to push my limits and boundaries. As pointed out in class today, we have no limits! We self impose these boundaries and never push outside of them. I will push my limits in both yoga and my day to day life. That means being stronger and pushing to and beyond my edge in class; trusting that my body is capable.This means being more focussed and true to myself. This means going out of my comfort zones in social interactions. The second seed, is to let my inner self be seen. I mentioned that I can barely look him in the face, this is out of fear that he'll see everything about me and in me. Sounds crazy, but I feel that if I don't make eye contact, people will not know me. This often happens with people I want the most to see me. This does not pertain to solely him, but to all that I interact with now and in the future.