pain is inevitable...

 Suffering is optional. Is what I'm thinking as I sip on my gnarly celery-spinach-berry-rice/hemp protein-smoothie. It wouldn't be bad if the celery wasn't in there, but the more I drink the more it grows on me; it's not sweet in the slightest and I know I'm putting good things into my body. In contrast to lunch where it was a carbohydrate-sugar-saturated-fat-overload...but who cares.

 There are times like right now, where I feel I'm not enough...I'm not doing enough, I'm not amounting to much. I as a person, am just not enough. I know where it all stems from too, and I hate that he is unaware what kind of toll it does take on me. I love him to bits, but there have been a few too many comments lately (3/4 of them were said today) that have left me feeling upset with who I am, what I'm doing and my personal future.

Comment #1:
I was finally home for dinner last Friday, first time in quite some time, alone with my parents. We were simply catching up, talking about everything and the subject of relationships come up. Using some examples close to home, I mentioned, "how I hate when girls fall apart for their guy...forget who they are and simply follow the guy around like a puppy dog". Yes, I'm guilty of this. Does not mean I like it. And I can't remember what else I said (I know for sure I said something) but the conversation ended, as I had to leave and get ready for a party, with my dad jokingly stating, "Guess I won't have to worry about making wine for your wedding with that attitude". I laughed at it too, being somewhat proud of that at the time (proud that I won't let a guy tell me what to do). But mix that with my sad feelings when my family gets together, and you get me as I am right now: feeling like a spinster. Spinster, you say? But I'm so young, I have so much time. Well big deal. I absolutely hate, hate hate HATE when people tell me this. I always want to stand up and walk away (maybe I'll start doing that). What makes me sad about all this, is when my family gets together it's sweet: my parents, my brothers and their girlfriends; girls who have become quite comfortable with my family and it's lovely, they fit right in. And then there's me, the odd man out. Even with all my friends, I'm the odd man out. Most times it doesn't bother me, but lately I've been feeling very much turned off from spending time with my friends due to this. Well, this and some other reasons: having a part of who I am outright rejected, busy with school and busy with work.

Comment #2:
"You're too skinny." Well dad, I've actually gained some weight, "I didn't want to say anything, but I thought so." Then, when I went for another piece of cake today (comment #3), "You know that's fattening right?" -- saying this to piss me off, get a rise out of me and to be a jerk. 'Does it look like I care?' Looks at my stomach and says, "Yes!". I am still way too emotional about this one, so I'll leave my thought process until later. I need to sort it out myself.

Comment #4:
We were all having a general discussion about hobbies and how my younger of two brothers has been picking up my dads hobbies and I say, to my dad obviously, "You know, you bugged us when we were younger to take up your hobbies: wine making, salami making, gardening, all those traditions. And now we are." Makes some comments that he's noticed too and he hasn't been saying much any more. Then looks back at me, "Except for you." What do you mean dad? (I already felt bad because I figured he was making yet another dig at me for never being home, not 'being a part of the family'), "You know, washing the dishes, cleaning the house, making dinner." I know once again, he was being the typical pot-stirring jerk he is, but man that pissed me off. Is that all I am to you? A food-making-baby-popping-machine that is failing because I'm not in a serious relationship? (Yes). I said it before, but now my argument is taking a different tone. I once stated that he'll never be able to respect my achievements (outside of the home) if I have a family because to him family should take first priority and if I'm not taking care of them I'm failing, so non-domestic achievements will mean nothing to him. Well now, that train of thought has changed: he'll never be able to respect me if I don't have a family. I have wasted my potential as a human if I don't procreate (given his ideology, I feel this one would be hard to refute on his end).

What a pleasant, uplifting, supportive thought. I need to go and digest this some more.

ps, I think halloween is one of my most disliked 'holidays'.

Getting past the sting of that last comment of my father's, it makes me wonder what my purpose is then. What, if I'm not going to procreate, is my reason for living? I must have a purpose if I'm alive. I have an inkling as to what it is, but it's rather intimidating and full of work and I'm not sure I'm ready to step up or accept it.

patience.

I feel as if I'm waiting for a cat to come around, warm up to me and realize that I'm not so bad. But it's not me I want them to realize isn't so bad, it's the yoga. I held off on suggesting yoga to him, but it seems as though he's coming around; slowly. I need to be calm and patient and not make any sudden moves because that would only scare him off. Though funny thing, ironic even, on one of our last dates he mentioned, "Oh I hate such and such person, they're a fair weathered friend". And I asked what that meant and he explained that it is someone who "only comes around when they need something". I commented, "Sounds like someone I know", clearly making a pass at him.

Safe to say he was not pleased. But low and behold, what I said is true: contacting me when he needs some support or just to rant or just to waste time on the bus. I don't have a problem with this, as long as I can keep a boundary there and as long as it serves a purpose this time. If I can help him find yoga, help him start his healing process, then I will be patient through all of this. I make it sound like I am some great messiah or something, but to be honest I believe that was my purpose in that whole debacle. (Live update: they have sent me another friend request and unfortunately I feel my self esteem shooting through the roof; this is not kosher.) I learned some lessons all throughout that period of time he was actively in my life, most of them afterwards though but at the end of the day, I really don't hate him and I want to help him in the way that I can; that is to say, through yoga. 

"the greatest prayer is patience." -- buddha

i am an emotional lesbian.

That is the conclusion I have come to after realizing I cannot converse with men about how I'm feeling, what's bothering me, what I aspire to be or any of those things. This has been particularly brought to me attention after meeting someone online, we began to text and set up a date to meet. I, in typical me style, cancelled. Not that it was an indication that we don't get along, that he's a terrible person or any of that. No, it was because I don't care to date, or to get to know someone or to find someone. I just want to talk, to be heard and have someone listen to all the fascinating and hilarious things I have to say -- that's it. And I have found I feel most comfortable doing that with females: they listen better, respond better and can empathize. Leading me to my conclusion that I am an emotional lesbian. It makes sense when you start to think about it. It's not even that I make more of an effort with females, or less of one with men, I'm just inherently more comfortable talking to women about my emotions and feelings.

Now going on the train of thought of what I want in terms of a relationship. I don't need or want someone to be constantly there to bring me whatever I may ask for (he should do it without me having to ask, kidding!). No, I've been in that relationship where I became the center of their universe. I don't believe I want someone who is clingy, texts me non stop, talks about their feelings to me ad nauseum. I want someone strong, silent and stoic. Okay, that may be a touch of an exaggeration however, I don't need someone who is goopy and mushy with their feelings -- I do enough of that for 5 people. I also don't want to do that dance of getting to know someone, I want to meet someone and instantly know everything about them and not have to do a dance or play mind games. I don't want someone to tell me "they like me" after only texting me and seeing a side that is not necessarily forced, but not indicative of my true self. I've found men are either super emotive and clingy, or too standoffish and cold. Why can't they be more balanced like yours truly? (That's a joke). Suffice to say, I probably will not ever go meet this person. My friends offer me the emotional support I need so I do not need a partner at the moment, all I want from a guy at the moment is harmless flirting.

rainy day, rainy mind.

i am nothing.
i am a liar.
i am a hypocrite.
i am two faced.
i am undeserving.
i am mean and judgmental.
i am cold.

this among other reasons is why i feel i will be on this lifelong journey...or lifelong lesson you could say. a lesson of learning peace and true compassion. not one that is fleeting or conditional. i need to turn my gaze inward, focus on healing myself instead of passing judgement onto others. for this reason alone (the reason being: my passing judgement on others) i am very undeserving. undeserving of kindness, empathy, and compassion from others. i need to be able to give it to others (and to myself) before i can expect it from others. i need to stop looking for validation from others, looking for acceptance, or approval. in the end, i need to live with who i am as a person. not them.

one step towards this, is to stop looking at facebook which i believe to be a very deceiving facet. people drive me nuts by posting things that are clearly attention seeking, posts which are clearly looking for validation. a quote i often come back to when i start passing judgment,

"If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us. ~Herman Hesse"

this reminds me that if i start to hate on a person for 'bragging' or saying something that is evident to their 'seeking validation', i need to take a step back and reflect. i need to ask myself, 'am i guilty of this myself?' more often than i like to admit, yes. i am. for this reason, i need to work on two things (among everything else i am working on): a. stop seeking validation from others; i do not need to explain or complain about how busy i am just to get their validation of "oh wow, she's busy, she's productive, she's successful". no, i do not need that if i have a strong sense of self that i can give myself that validation. b. i need to start listening more and let others rely on me. not me relying on them. if that means i stop talking as much, so be it. i have other outlets.

ps: i am still upset and hurt by him. i do not know how to deal.

thanksgiving.

This is going to be an ongoing post. It's only 1:26 PM and I'm nicely buzzed.

It's now 5:00 PM. And I'm back on POF, found some nice guys I'm talking to. And I've started looking and A Softer World again and not at my textbook like I should be: http://www.asofterworld.com/clean/ferry.jpg.

Amazing.

I think what I've been feeling is I need my personal space to move out. The three concerns I have is financially if I can afford it, the fact that the suite I'd be moving in to has no stove (cannot remember about the refrigerator)  and that I feel like I'm just copying my brother. Not sure how the other intended this, but given how I interpret this it how I feel: http://www.asofterworld.com/clean/sunspot.jpg

Even though he was a complete asshole to me the other day. FWB Guy is talking to me again, too. And, JB. Why is it always at once? I feel there is a lesson to be learned here, but I'm not quite sure what it is. I want food.

Busy Phillips is a goddess. That is all.

I need to seriously get my shit together...

TGIF.

Not.

I'm starting to get worn out. I feel absolutely exhausted. Just gotta pull up my socks and stay focussed I guess. This is when it would be mighty nice to have someone there to give me that extra little push and support. No self pity though, that doesn't get me any where. Only seven more days and I'm in the clear.