ohhai new friends.

So on Saturday I had my 'shit can't get any worse' night. I slipped into old, negative habits and just wrapped myself up in self pity, self loathing and judgement. I knew I needed to bathe in that for a while, because Sunday I woke up feeling better - I know that it does not make sense, but it's how I work, okay?! Good.

To start getting my two feet back on the ground and cheering myself up, I decided to do a water cleanse/water fast (more a mental thing as I know not eating is unhealthy). Also, my stomach was not feeling that well so I opted for cool delicious water. Plus this cool 'nu green' concentrate from I picked up from the store which gave me the energy boost that I needed while also giving me a whole whack of nutrients and minerals; all the good stuff.

you can taste the greens in it, but with a sweet tang so it goes down easy. 

I also picked up some protein powder, I feel a part of the reason I've been eating just so darn crappy is because I don't have time to make food and have been needing something just to throw in the blender (or mix with water) and I'd get a blast of energies and stuff. I've tried Vega products before, and I love them as their dairy, gluten and soy free with no added sugar. I tried it in a protein smoothie just last night, and it was phenomenal. I'm now hooked.

delicious vega berry blast.

 I feel like I'm doing product placement. But after every yogi I know seems to rant and rave about Komboocha I decided to try it. Now, with this silly little bottle I opened it in the car not realizing Komboocha is fizzy; I had been shaking it, turning it upside down reading the sides all in the store so I was amazed that when I opened it the drink went EVERY WHERE. That's not even the worst part, because there is sediment on the bottom, I kept shaking it so I'd be able to drink the sediment (waste not, right?). All this while I was driving, but I kept laughing at how ridiculous I am. Sometimes I just don't think things through. The weirdest part though, was that I legitimately felt buzzed after drinking this -- I was at work, so that's not really cool... I did some research and because it is a fermented drink there is some alcohol content (though below 0.5% as per government regulations to be labelled as non-alcoholic). But there has been much debate about the alcohol content in Komboocha. Unfortunately, I didn't find any recent studies. So, basically, it's delicious and fizzy and helps with digestion and makes your tummy feel better. I won't be buying it in big batches as it's super expensive ($4.50 a pop).

MMM, KOMBOOCHA!

I feel a little guilty for spending so much money (by a little guilty I mean a lot), but trying not to focus too much on that as I know in October I won't be spending that much money (at least I hope not). But buying these things has made me feel better in the sense that at least I know my diet will be taken care of, I still need to eat a tonne more vegetables, but so far so good.

I've started my regular practice again, which is helping me out a lot. I'm still working on being able to meditate the whole class, as in no thoughts what so ever, but I'm getting there. A couple times now there have been teachers trying to talk to me during class and I don't know how to answer and can't because to me the room is not a place for speaking, it's a time of reflection and peace. But I'm getting there. I'm worried about this weekend when I will be trying for the second time this teacher training to teach hatha yoga, so that includes two weekends (Friday, Saturday, Sunday) of training, then a practicum (8 hours) then getting evaluated. All that before the 31st of October. Fun, right? It's not just the time frame that gets me, it's that I don't know how good of a teacher I'll be. I don't know that I'll be able to teach something I don't know myself. I guess that will be part of the learning process. After that, I think I'm going to try and do this 200 hour teacher training for power yoga or maybe another type. At any rate, MORE YOGA.

In terms of general health, I need to start other activities because as much as I love yoga I need to be challenged in a different way. Exploring time!

In all, I'm back on my happy little path with the help and support of some amazing friends of mine, and I hope I can return to them the same love and support. 

Okay, I guess it's time to start memorizing glycolysis.

"Can we be like the lotus? Can we swallow the pain and confusion of life, and thrive on it, and use it to become one of those rare jewels of the world -- a truly compassionate person?" -- buddhism metaphor

compassion.

time to start having some for myself.

take a step back.

Looking back, I can only comment on how ridiculously dramatic I am. I definitely do not want him specifically, I just want company. I spend the majority of my day by myself, in silence and some days I just want some company to relax with. While he may be able to be some general company to be with, our fates are not somehow intertwined, as I so like to think. I need to turn my focus back in on myself and realize I have so much to occupy myself with: school (lots of studying to get done), health (I need to start preparing better meals, going back to yoga regularly; taking care of my physical body and my emotional state), and I now have a new intention. In the next few weeks things will be changing, I have a goal of becoming a yoga teacher, I want to challenge myself academically, and now I need to think of my possible medical school after graduating. Best part? It would be naturopathic medicine. I will have to think on this because it will be a big commitment, I need to research more about careers afterwards, I need to go talk to other ND's that I know (to get their input, to see if I can do some volunteer work any where) and I will need to think of where: in Toronto or here in Vancouver.

I have also noticed that I have not been very compassionate of others. Well, compassionate and trusting. I need to work on that. But what I really need to realize and accept in the fullest (instead of saying I do) is that a relationship takes work; if someone is in a relationship it's going to take up their time no matter what. I need to respect that and back off. So what, if I want that opportunity of that with someone? So what, if I don't have it now? Doesn't mean I have to demean others' relations. What I'm trying to tell myself, don't get so jealous you insecure person.

So. It seems what I need to do is simply: breathe and focus.

i am a heart that's hard to pin.

I wish I was hard to pin; unfortunately I'm not. I'll give you three guesses who is back in my life and the first two don't count. I'll also give you one guess to find out how I'm feeling about him? 

Yes it's him. Yes I want him back. What I think is weirder, is I want him to want me back even more. I was told this is normal, though I don't think it is. I think me wanting him back is more normal than the latter desire.  To be fair, I'm not sure if it's specifically him or if I'm just enjoying the attention. If, because I want the chance to practice my skills of being open and communication, I want a chance with someone I'm already comfortable with, have a rapport with over someone I have to start anew with. 

I keep telling myself that nothing has changed, I'm still not going to be special to him, the only reason why he liked me in the first place was because I liked him and there was no unique quality about me that attracted him to me, that he's probably seeing another girl -- pulling the same moves on her as he did me, that he is only using me for a confidence boost, and he didn't treat me as well as he should have. More importantly, I'm reminding myself of all the hurtful things that happened over the course of "dating" that bothered me. Through the grapevine I was made aware of a comment he made. This comment pretty clearly indicates he's been trying to see other girls (as if "us" ending did not affect him in any way) and again demonstrates that I was not special. I am still not special. I tell myself that I am a back up.

It's not working.

I cannot quite figure out what is drawing me back. Do I want to feel like shit about myself? Doubt my every ability and genuine character (as I often did with him)? Do I want the drama? Am I just as needy as him? (Yes). 

Forgetting what everyone and my brother said about him ("he's a dick"), I liked him for a reason. He puts on a show, but deep down he has a truly good heart, he is such a hard and dedicated worker, and I do naively pathetically stupidly honestly believe that if anything does happen it will be better. I am aware of my weaknesses (I'm closed off, independent and am afraid of being vulnerable) and because I want to work on them I will at least try being more open, asking for help -- even accepting help when offered -- and allowing myself to be vulnerable; that is: no walls, no twisting words being straightforward and honest.

Do I wait? Do I act? Do I forget?

I feel lost (not pertaining solely to this, other aspects of life as well). I don't feel grounded.

Is what I'm feeling justified? Am I being a hopeless romantic about this all? (Yes). Does this at all make a difference to emotions? (No). With no rhyme or reason to back it up, I want him.

"This is what makes us girls
We all look for heaven and we put our love first
Somethin' that we'd die for, it's our curse." 

-- This Is What Makes Us Girls, Lana Del Ray

NEWSFLASH: I just want attention. And unfortunately he is slightly providing me that. I just need to reel my thoughts in.