I'm so fascinated with my body, is that vain? Who cares, I
have found myself so often lately just standing in front of the mirror posing
and flexing and seeing all my muscles. I don't say this to be all, "oh I'm
so hot: all the bitches wanna be me all the guys wanna date me"; not even
at all.
I have always been conscious of my weight ever since I can
remember, probably as young as 9. The last few years of elementary school I
know my goal was to lose weight because I didn't look like any of the other
girls: taller, more muscle, more curves but to the elementary school version
this was "fat". All through high school, I limited myself and put a
cap on what I was able to do accomplish because I was "fat". I went
through a period of making myself puke (luckily this was such an unpleasant event
I couldn't bring myself to do it), I remember writing down everything I ate
(down to the last craisin) and calculating the calories, fat, carbohydrate and
protein in each item of food I ate. For a 15 year old, this is a pretty insane
thing to be so concerned with.
I worked on my self esteem through reading some books,
graduating high school/starting university and getting some positive
reinforcement; pathetically, it was from men but it helped and made me realize
I'm not unattractive. But what truly has helped me, is bikram yoga. I started
it with my brother's ex, and haven't stopped in the past year and a half. I
stayed with it for a year and a bit at one studio, then after getting a job as
front desk I moved to another studio. Shortly after starting to work there,
there was a 30 day challenge. This kicked my ass; but I have so many benefits
to show for it. I've lost weight, my muscles are a hell of a lot more defined
and I look good. When I look at pelvic area, I can see all these little muscles
and ligaments that I've never seen before! It's so utterly fascinating.
I have never looked this way before and it is so new to me.
I could just spend hours looking at myself, my legs, my stomach (which I have
never ever wanted to look at before), my arms, my back, my hands: everything.
During a wonderful relaxing class today my beautiful teacher, friend and mentor
from the beginning of it all told the class, "she's my friend. and from
the beginning it wasn't really a struggle with strength or flexibility, but emotions.
it was so powerful for her. now look at her: she has all this strength".
That hit home for me. Consistently over the past year and a half it's always
been commented on how naturally flexible I am, but have no strength. I used to
first consider being called flexible as a compliment, it got to a point where I
hated it. There was a good week where I hated to the T how flexible I am, why
can't I be stronger?
But today it resonated with me, these words that I was
strong. I really felt it as I was in balancing stick: balanced on one leg, all
your muscles contracted, arms pulling you forward, your leg pulling back. It
hit me what I was doing: I WAS BALANCING ON ONE LEG! It is such an abnormal
stance, an a typical way to hold yourself. But there I was (there we were,
actually, a good 25 of us) on one leg like it was no big deal. Comical almost,
good thing I was out of breath and tired or else I would have laughed at it
all.
This journey I've been travelling on has made me realize
that once you set your mind to something and let go of any struggle (light bulb
moment here during class the other day) you can do anything. Our mind is
powerful, and able to do anything; albeit quite fickle at times. This is
something I need to remember...as I stare in awe at my own powerful, strong and
flexible body.
“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep
on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may
end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the
belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I
may not have it at the beginning.” Mahatma Gandhi
